On Mitch Hedberg, and the War in Ukraine
It's Mitch Hedberg's birthday. I either need to go buy 55 candle holders, or one cake.
Here's my current favorite of his jokes:
I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Enjoy these 274 others...
https://www.buzzfeed.com/mrloganrhoades/a-complete-ranking-of-almost-every-single-mitch-hedberg-joke
...
Trump posted this on Truth Social after the Republican lost the special election to fill the Santos congressional seat:
"MAGA, WHICH IS MOST OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, STAYED HOME – AND IT ALWAYS WILL, UNLESS IT IS TREATED WITH THE RESPECT THAT IT DESERVES. I STAYED OUT OF THE RACE, ‘I WANT TO BE LOVED!’ GIVE US A REAL CANDIDATE IN THE DISTRICT FOR NOVEMBER. SUOZZI, I KNOW HIM WELL, CAN BE EASILY BEATEN!”
Stephen Colbert did a segment on how Trump's subconscious strangled his brain in the middle of that post when it pleaded for love.
Socrates must have anticipated Trump 2400 years ago when he said, "Those who are hardest to love need it the most."
What a great irony. If everybody just loved him enough, he'd likely just go away, but he makes it continually impossible.
February 24, 2024
...
On Mitch Hedberg, and the War in Ukraine
I ran a few miles tonight, listening to John Green's podcast, The Anthropocene Reviewed, thinking about Mitch Hedberg's birthday and the fact that Russia invaded Ukraine.
I used to follow Noam Chomsky closely for the insight into stuff like this invasion. Here are the two contradictory things that came to mind.
-After WWII the Allies had to prosecute the Nazis, so they had to legally outline exactly how they were different from us. We each bombed civilians, so are we better? YES! They desided to prosecute them for the paramount crime of initial aggression. That is what Putin is guilty of today, aggression. It should always be condemned, and when you are guilty of it, you are also guilty for everything that follows.
-We can't have a military response without starting World War III, so we put sanctions on Russia instead. Chomsky always said that sanctions don't work because they weaken the people and empower the dictator, by making the people even more dependent on them. I don't know enough about these specific sanctions to know whether he’s right or wrong.
When I think about Chomsky these days though I'm drawn more towards the criticism of him. They say that he's not putting forward any solutions, that he just points out what we shouldn't do. He does believe it was right to fight Hitler, so I wonder if he's outlined the way forward for this situation specifically.
I run through Lancaster City and through the School Lane Hills development to the West. When I run in the evening often I smell home cooked meals when I run through School Lane Hills, whereas when I run through downtown Lancaster I often smell marijuana smoke. (Draw your own conclusions.) Running through downtown Lancaster tonight though I smelled a delicious barbecue. My mouth started watering so bad I completely stopped sweating.
I realize that was a disgusting thought, all of my about-to-be-sweat turning into saliva instead, and it reminded me of Mitch Hedberg's tartar joke. He said he has so much tartar on his teeth that he doesn't have to dip his fish sticks in shit. (A much higher echelon of disgust.) The end of the joke is him pointing out how disgusting a joke that was, apologizing, and assuring the audience that it was indeed just a joke, and that he's sure he has the normal amount of tartar. So in his honor, I feel obliged to let you know that my mouth didn't really start watering so bad that my body didn't have any more water left to sweat. I'm sure my mouth watered the normal amount.
The Anthropocene Reviewed had a phenomenal quote from All the King's Men: “The end of man is knowledge, but there is one thing he can't know. He can't know whether knowledge will save him or kill him.”
It was within the context of truly astonishing segment on Googling strangers. He had been wrestling whether or not to Google someone that he had an extreme experience with 15 years prior, to see if they were alive or dead. But the quote reminded me of humanity's knowledge of nuclear weapons, and how by the hour we're ticking even closer to potentially wiping ourselves out with them.
I listened to his Halley's comet podcast too where he relays the story of Mark Twain saying that he came in with Haley's comet in 1835 and that he expected to go out with it when it returned the following year, in 1910. "And so he did."
Green measured the recent human history in terms of Halley's Comet appearances vs years.
“When Halley visited us in 1986, my dad had just brought home a personal computer, the first in our neighborhood. One Halley earlier, as Mark Twain lay dying, the first movie Adaptation of Frankenstein was released. The Halley before that, Charles Darwin was aboard the HMS Beagle. The Halley before that, the United States wasn't a country. The Halley before that, Louis XIV ruled France.”
So the next Halley, the one in 2061? Who knows what will be left. Worrisome. In another tribute to Mitch Hedberg, I might go buy some CareFree gum.
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
You said it Mitch!
February 24, 2022
...
How do we make sure Russia's war in Ukraine ends up being Cold War II instead of World War III? I don't know, and I'm glad there are foreign policy experts who are orders of magnitude more capable than me working on it. There's at least one thing that we should be able to universally agree on though- only a lunatic would praise Putin right now.
February 24, 2022
...
It's Oscar time, the time of year that I point out that anytime someone is asked who they're wearing, I imagine that they bought their outfit at the Ed Gein Museum.
February 24, 2019
...
I never won an Oscar for best directing, and you probably haven't either. We're in pretty good company with Kubrick, Hitchcock, Welles, Griffith, Hawks, Kurosawa, Lynch, Malick, Herzog, Lubitsch, Altman, Lumet, Chaplin, Keaton, Peckinpah, Bergman, and so on, and so on...
February 24, 2019
...
Well now that that's settled I can think about some other things.
February 24, 2019
...
Oh God, I just laughed harder than I did in ages. Reading Steven Pinker's Sense of Style, he gave three examples of ambiguity due to dropping the Oxford comma (the comma that would precede "and" in a list.) The last one got me!
-Among those interviewed were Merle Haggard’s two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.
-This book is dedicated to my parents, Ayn Rand and God.
-Highlights of Peter Ustinov’s global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.
Haha!
...
These people simply don't understand or respect the Constitution. I'm glad the judiciary does... if these laws pass, they won't stand.
The Hill- State legislators take steps to criminalize protests
https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/321018-state-legislators-take-steps-to-criminalize-protests/
February 24, 2017
...
Not banning the press is "what makes a democracy a democracy vs. a dictatorship." -Sean Spicer (but several months ago)
https://fb.watch/iUnuqtX52j/?mibextid=NnVzG8
February 24, 2017
...
Perfect question, Washington Post... considering it seriously is a great way for one to measure their level of cognitive dissonance.
Washington Post: How could our story be fake if it led to you firing Flynn?
From The Hill- The Washington Post fired back at President Trump after he claimed in his CPAC speech that their story on Michael Flynn had fake sources: "The story led directly to the general’s dismissal as national security adviser. Calling press reports fake doesn’t make them so."
February 24, 2017
Postscript- This was back when we were initially forced to take his words at face value. It's been a slow slig until now, when the assumption is that he's bullshitting.
...
Remember the days when you didn't get a suntan in February? This whole winter's been really warm, almost like there's some local warming phenomenon going on. I wonder if there's something similar happening globally.
February 24, 2017
...
It was reported to me today that some Facebook genius somewhere said something like, "I wish Obama would nominate McConnell for the Supreme Court just so I could see the look on that asshole's face."
February 24, 2017
...
All day I've been thinking about this gem from Stephen Pinker's, Better Angels of Our Nature:
"In most of the world, institutionalized superstitious killing, whether in human sacrifice, blood libel, or witch persecution, has succumbed to two pressures. One is intellectual: the realization that some events, even those with profound personal significance, must be attributed to impersonal physical forces and raw chance rather than the designs of other conscious beings. A great principle of moral advancement, on a par with "Love thy neighbor" and "All men are created equal," is the one on the bumper sticker: "Shit happens."
February 24, 2015
...
Oscar Thoughts 2013
All right, time to live blog the Oscars. (Is that what they call it?) I'll try to keep my posts in this comment section. And instead of posting my stupidest comments I'll just say them out loud to Emma and her mom.
-A montage of recent musicals with live performances... it makes me feel like taking in a show at Ford's Theater.
-Reminds me of a joke- "The actor who really got into Abraham Lincoln's head was John Wilked Boothe." Whoa!
-And best picture goes to... the forgettable Argo.
February 24, 2013
...
I just walked my dog but forgot to take a bag for her crap. I ended up just hiding her one tiny turd under a leaf. That's cool, right?
February 24, 2013
...
Many of our ancestors came to this land to escape religious persecution. Wouldn't it be ironic if the Christian fundamentalists left because of "secular persecution"? They are forced to live in a country with legal gay marriage, no forced prayer in school, freedom of choice of religion, or no religion, etc. The foundation of their new country would be the union of church and state, and their bill of rights would be the 10 Commandments. How long until they would see that forced subservience to Christianity undermines the value of being allowed to choose to accept it or not?
February 24, 2013
Looks like this elicited a spirited debate!
...
Emma- There seems to be a consensus among my students that only about 1% of your posts can easily be understood.
February 24, 2012
...
A "gentleman's club" is nothing of the sort!
February 24, 2011
...
Andrew Johnson became the first impeached president on this day in 1868, although he went on to be acquitted in the Senate by one vote.
...
The Nazi Party was founded by Adolf Hitler on this day in 1920, in the Hofbräuhaus beer hall in Munich, Germany.
...
On this day in 1942, 791 Romanian Jewish refugees and crew members were killed after their ship was torpedoed by the Soviet Navy.
...
Johnny Cash played at San Quentin on this day in 1969.
https://youtu.be/PSLsfwTbo4Q
...
Detective Cooper first entered the town of Twin Peaks on this day in 1989.
...
Honus Wagner joined us on this day in 1874. It said that he threw the ball so hard from third base to first base that little pebbles that he had scooped up with the ball would arrive with it. One of his baseball cards recently sold for $7.25 million. If I had a $100 million, I might buy one!
...
Irish actress Angela Green was born on this day in 1921.
...
The intellectually indispensable Yuval Noah Harari joined us on this day in 1976. I would guess he's the thinker that I have the most respect for who happens to be younger than me.
"If Kindle is upgraded with face recognition and biometric sensors, it can know what made you laugh, what made you sad and what made you angry. Soon, books will read you while you are reading them."
Shitload of Homo Deus quotes in the addendum
...
Notable birthdays - George Thorogood (1950), Plastic Bertrand (1954), Steve Jobs (1955), Eddie Murray (1956), Mark Moses (1958)
...
Webb Pierce left this on this day in 1991.
https://youtu.be/kKuTeDUPljQ
...
Henny Youngman left us on this day in 1998, with a treasure trove of one-liners.
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
...
Kirstin Dunst- Turning Japanese
I can't stop watching this video. Judge away.
https://youtu.be/C0X3CLJVMJU
February 24, 2010
...
Roger Ebert- Top 10 Reasons I Want To Be Cremated
https://www.rogerebert.com/features/top-10-reasons-i-want-to-be-cremated
Roger was cremated about two months after writing this. I'm not sure if his ashes were shot into space, but if they were, if was thanks to me! He responded to me in the comments...
Me: Convincing argument! But let me recount a story that happened to me last week.
I walked outside of our office and smelled the delicious smell of some barbecued meat. We're kind of secluded so I wondered where it was coming from.
For some reason I remembered a time a few months ago when a customer asked me if it was creepy working so near a funeral home. I didn't know what she was talking about. She pointed to a small building maybe 300 yards away and told me it was the crematorium.
I wished I hadn't remembered her telling me that. I looked over and saw smoke rising out of the small crematorium chimney and a strong wind was blowing it directly at me. Thus, the smell of barbecued meat.
I was always pro-cremation, but now I'm not so sure. Even though I'll be dead, I don't really like the idea of smelling delicious to someone.
Ebert: Okay, that does it. I'm having myself shot into space.
February 24, 2021
...
Demob- No Room For You
Well we don't go there any more
It's boarded up the doors are closed
But you remember those weekend nights
When everything was alright
Ran by youth somewhere to go
Tell your mates everyone you know
And all the groups you wanted to see
It was something very special for me
And do you know the reason
Why it all fell through
They got no room for you at all
And do you know the reason
Why it all fell through for you
They got no room for you
Well I could be talking about some where else
Sounds around it's all the same
What the kids want don't matter one bit
It's something to you they'll treat you like it
And do you know the reason
Why it all fell through
They got no room for you at all
And do you know the reason
Why it all fell through for you
They got no room for you
Well it's all over you've killed the fun
Don't try and tell me your the caring ones
Well it's all over if you wanna know
You don't give a damn and we already know
And do you know the reason
Why it all fell through
They got no room for you at all
And do you know the reason
Why it all fell through for you
They got no room for you
https://youtu.be/1BgSrBYqbH8
...
Vivian Maier
...
Hitchens:
There are some moments in life that are perfect. Not necessarily wonderful, but that hew so closely to some Platonic or ruminated-upon version of themselves that one almost can't believe they are happening. In fact, one doesn't believe they are happening. As a freshman in college, for example, walking along 112th Street of a winter's evening, the Cathedral of St John the Divine just up ahead, I looked over to my left at the garbage bags in the empty lot at the corner. In the fading purple gloaming, their surfaces swirled, they seem to be undulating. I remember thinking to myself, "What an amazing trick of the light, because it is almost as if those garbage bags were simply covered with live rats, but of course, they're not, because to see that with my own eyes would be too horrible, too scarring, too much exactly what I fear at this moment on this dark New York side street. Ergo here be no rats."
On I marched right up to those selfsame Hefty bags which, of course, were covered, teeming with starving rats who squeaked in mass, a horrible, squealing rodent choir, that scattered upon my approach, some of them almost running over my boots.
...
Bertrand Russell- “My whole religion is this: do every duty, and expect no reward for it, either here or hereafter."
...
Emily Dickinson- "Saying nothing... sometimes says the most."
If she has a point, maybe she shouldn't have said it.
...
Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil- "As long as you still experience the stars as something "above you", you lack the eye of knowledge."
...
John Keats- "The only means of strengthening one's intellect is to make up one's mind about nothing, to let the mind be a thoroughfare for all thoughts."
...
Khalil Gibran- "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."
...
Aziz- "My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car."
...
H.L. Mencken, Gist of Mencken- "No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have searched the record for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people."
...
Unknown- "My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support."
...
Hunter S. Thompson- "Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously."
...
David Foster Wallace- "There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says "Morning, boys. How's the water?" And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes "What the hell is water?""
...
Palanhiuk- "You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world."
...
Arthur Schopenhauer, Studies in Pessimism: The Essays- "Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world."
...
Steinbeck , Tortilla Flat- "It is a time of quiet joy, the sunny morning. When the glittery dew is on the mallow weeds, each leaf holds a jewel which is beautiful if not valuable. This is no time for hurry or for bustle. Thoughts are slow and deep and golden in the morning."
Addendum:
1.
Some favorite quotes from Noah Yuval Harari's Homo Deus:
"The greatest scientific discovery was the discovery of ignorance. Once humans realised how little they knew about the world, they suddenly had a very good reason to seek new knowledge, which opened up the scientific road to progress."
"Every day millions of people decide to grant their smartphone a bit more control over their lives or try a new and more effective antidepressant drug. In pursuit of health, happiness and power, humans will gradually change first one of their features and then another, and another, until they will no longer be human."
"Fiction isn't bad. It is vital. Without commonly accepted stories about things like money, states or corporations, no complex human society can function. We can't play football unless everyone believes in the same made-up rules, and we can't enjoy the benefits of markets and courts without similar make-believe stories. But stories are just tools. They shouldn't become our goals or our yardsticks. When we forget that they are mere fiction, we lose touch with reality. Then we begin entire wars `to make a lot of money for the cooperation' or 'to protect the national interest'. Corporations, money and nations exist only in our imagination. We invented them to serve us; why do we find ourselves sacrificing our life in their service."
"Capitalism did not defeat communism because capitalism was more ethical, because individual liberties are sacred or because God was angry with the heathen communists. Rather, capitalism won the Cold War because distributed data processing works better than centralised data processing, at least in periods of accelerating technological change."
"By equating the human experience with data patterns, Dataism undermines our main source of authority and meaning, and heralds a tremendous religious revolution, the like of which has not been seen since the eighteenth century. In the days of Locke, Hume and Voltaire humanists argued that ‘God is a product of the human imagination’. Dataism now gives humanists a taste of their own medicine, and tells them: ‘Yes, God is a product of the human imagination, but human imagination in turn is the product of biochemical algorithms.’ In the eighteenth century, humanism sidelined God by shifting from a deo-centric to a homo-centric world view. In the twenty-first century, Dataism may sideline humans by shifting from a homo-centric to a data-centric view."
"The most famous lenders in nature are vampire bats. These bats congregate in the thousands inside caves, and every night fly out to look for prey. When they find a sleeping bird or careless mammal, they make a small incision in its skin, and suck its blood. But not all vampire bats find a victim every night. In order to cope with the uncertainty of their life, the vampires loan blood to each other. A vampire that fails to find prey will come home and ask a more fortunate friend to regurgitate some stolen blood. Vampires remember very well to whom they loaned blood, so at a later date if the friend returns home hungry, he will approach his debtor, who will reciprocate the favour. However, unlike human bankers, vampires never charge interest."
"The Theory of Relativity makes nobody angry because it doesn't contradict any of our cherished beliefs. Most people don't care an iota whether space and time are absolute or relative. If you think it is possible to bend space and time, well be my guest. ...In contrast, Darwin has deprived us of our souls. If you really understand the Theory of Evolution, you understand that there is no soul. This is a terrifying thought, not only to devote Christians and Muslims, but also to many secular people who don't hold any clear religious dogma, but nevertheless, want to believe that each human possess an eternal, individual essence that remains unchanged throughout life and can survive even death intact."
"If we think in term of months, we had probably focus on immediate problems such as the turmoil in the Middle East, the refugee crisis in Europe and the slowing of the Chinese economy. If we think in terms of decades, then global warming, growing inequality and the disruption of the job market loom large. Yet if we take the really grand view of life, all other problems and developments are overshadowed by three interlinked processes: 1.Science is converging on an all-encompassing dogma, which says that organisms are algorithms and life is data processing. 2.Intelligence is decoupling from consciousness. 3.Non-conscious but highly intelligent algorithms may soon know us better than we know ourselves. These three processes raise three key questions, which I hope will stick in your mind long after you have finished this book: 1.Are organisms really just algorithms, and is life really just data processing? 2.What’s more valuable – intelligence or consciousness? 3.What will happen to society, politics and daily life when non-conscious but highly intelligent algorithms know us better than we know ourselves?"
"There are no longer natural famines in the world; there are only political famines. If people in Syria, Sudan or Somalia starve to death, it is because some politician wants them to."
"Humans nowadays completely dominate the planet not because the individual human is far smarter and more nimble-fingered than the individual chimp or wolf, but because Homo sapiens is the only species on earth capable of cooperating flexibly in large numbers. Intelligence and toolmaking were obviously very important as well. But if humans had not learned to cooperate flexibly in large numbers, our crafty brains and deft hands would still be splitting flint stones rather than uranium atoms."
"Modern culture rejects this belief in a great cosmic plan. We are not actors in any larger-than-life drama. Life has no script, no playwright, no director, no producer – and no meaning. To the best of our scientific understanding, the universe is a blind and purposeless process, full of sound and fury but signifying nothing. During our infinitesimally brief stay on our tiny speck of a planet, we fret and strut this way and that, and then are heard of no more. Since there is no script, and since humans fulfil no role in any great drama, terrible things might befall us and no power will come to save us or give meaning to our suffering. There won’t be a happy ending, or a bad ending, or any ending at all. Things just happen, one after the other. The modern world does not believe in purpose, only in cause. If modernity has a motto, it is ‘shit happens’."
"The antidote to a meaningless and lawless existence was provided by humanism, a revolutionary new creed that conquered the world during the last few centuries. The humanist religion worships humanity, and expects humanity to play the part that God played in Christianity and Islam, and that the laws of nature played in Buddhism and Daoism. Whereas traditionally the great cosmic plan gave meaning to the life of humans, humanism reverses the roles and expects the experiences of humans to give meaning to the cosmos. According to humanism, humans must draw from within their inner experiences not only the meaning of their own lives, but also the meaning of the entire universe. This is the primary commandment humanism has given us: create meaning for a meaningless world."
"Meaning is created when many people weave together a common network of stories. Why does a particular action – such as getting married in church, fasting on Ramadan or voting on election day – seem meaningful to me? Because my parents also think it is meaningful, as do my brothers, my neighbours, people in nearby cities and even the residents of far-off countries. And why do all these people think it is meaningful? Because their friends and neighbours also share the same view. People constantly reinforce each other’s beliefs in a self-perpetuating loop. Each round of mutual confirmation tightens the web of meaning further, until you have little choice but to believe what everyone else believes."
"The Google and Facebook algorithms not only know exactly how you feel, they also know myriad other things about you that you hardly suspect. Consequently you should stop listening to your feelings and start listening to these external algorithms instead. What’s the point of having democratic elections when the algorithms know not only how each person is going to vote, but also the underlying neurological reasons why one person votes Democrat while another votes Republican? Whereas humanism commanded: ‘Listen to your feelings!’ Dataism now commands: ‘Listen to the algorithms! They know how you feel.’"
"Religion cannot be equated with superstition, because most people are unlikely to call their cherished beliefs ‘superstitions’. We always believe in ‘the truth’. It’s only other people who believe in superstitions."
"Corporations, money and nations exist only in our imagination. We invented them to serve us; why do we find ourselves sacrificing our lives in their service? In the twenty-first century we will create more powerful fictions and more totalitarian religions than in any previous era. With the help of biotechnology and computer algorithms these religions will not only control our minute-by-minute existence, but will be able to shape our bodies, brains and minds, and to create entire virtual worlds complete with hells and heavens."
"The governmental tortoise cannot keep up with the technological hare."
"Data religion now says that your every word and action is part of the great data flow, that the algorithms are constantly watching you and that they care about everything you do and feel. Most people like this very much. For true-believers, to be disconnected from the data flow risks losing the very meaning of life. What’s the point of doing or experiencing anything if nobody knows about it, and if it doesn’t contribute something to the global exchange of information?"
"of the global ecology, for the same reason that people who believe in a heavenly afterlife should not be given nuclear weapons."
"Democratic elections usually work only within populations that have some prior common bond, such as shared religious beliefs or national myths. They are a method to settle disagreements among people who already agree on the basics."
2.
Myspace Blog
February 24, 2007
Talky: The Stranger Who Wouldn't Let Me Talk To Him
At the end of a 12 hour day just as I finished filling the last brochures, I was blindsided by a wall of sound. A worker who I never met, without any provocation, mowed me down with rat-a-tat-tat machine-gun fire conversation. No, conversation is the wrong word. There was no conversing about it. Just a "sation?" No, that's terrible. Let's call it a "monoliloquy." Is that a word? Should be, nice ring to it. Remember kids, you heard it here first. Cool beans?
monoliloquy- the charade of talking with another, when you're actually talking at another- generally it's for an extended period of time and so fast that the non-speaker can't squeeze in a word
I don't know what's up with that rest area. An old lady who works there has never stopped her shrill laughing. Her buddy, an old man, can't stop coughing. They all have monomaniacal mouth manners: non-stop talking, laughing and coughing*. Talky, Laughy and Coughy. I'm still waiting to meet Kissy, Whistly and Spitty. Forget Licky though, I don't want to meet that guy.
Back to Talky. He reminded me of one of those "bear homosexuals", if you know what I'm talking about**. I have a feeling that he would maul me if he knew I said that, and I don't mean "maul" in the good way... the bear homosexual way.
He told me his entire DVD player, VCR, TV and stereo history- how much each one cost, how it was wired, the brand, where he bought it, how each one compared to each of the others, what his parents thought of them. He told me about all of his former pets, and the pets of several relatives- ages, names, habits, comparing and contrasting cats to dogs. I have some insight into this latter issue, as I'm sure we all do, but there was no opening. It was on to the next topic- remote controls and how to fix them. I nodded along, actually trying to remember his tips for the first ten minutes, until I realized I've never had a remote control go bad before the thing it controls. And truth be known- it was too much information for me to remember. It was too much information for Akira Haraguchi*** to remember.
His transitions were seemless. With all of my focus I could barely spot them. At the end of his dog monoliloquy he mentioned a dog chewing up a remote control and that reminded him of other remote control problems. This guy was a pro.
More fascinating than his speed, his content, and his transitions was his ability to remember entire conversations to their tiniest, most tedious detail. He would act them out too. He would look to the left and play the roll of a friend, "Panasonic and Technics? Why do you have two types of stereo equipment?" He would look to the right playing himself, with a wry look and state dramatically to elucidate the supreme stupidity his friend, "Same company. Different name." I should point out that with all of his looking back and forth, he never once looked at me.
This guy was really something special. I put my head on automatic nod mode, allowing myself to think about him, freeing myself from listening to him...
Was he a genius? How does he remember every conversation he ever had? Why does he think I'm interested? Why doesn't he care if I'm interested? If someone would transcribe his daily conversations and send the tomes to the Library of Congress, how many extra miles of bookshelves would they have to add each year****? Who are his friends? Does he know anything about them? Did he pick up this habit from his parents and if so, how would it be possible for two of these people to be in same room? These questions, based on why they were formed, guarantees that they will never have the possibility of being asked, and therefore answered.
Then another thought crept in- how long have I been here? I had to make it to the hotel to watch The Office. Wouldn't want to miss Phyllis's wedding. I gave a slight chuckle at an inappropriate time and took a step toward the door. He was unaffected. He might have even started to talk faster. I took another step. No change. Another step. No change. Two more steps and I would have turned a corner. I realized I'd just have to walk away from him. I waited. More palaver. More pabulum. More prattle.
Then he took a step. A sign of hope! Then another. He was still talking at warp 9, but this was progress! A step from the office his voice lowered. He stepped into the office, out of view, still talking. I said "yeah," and hightailed it.
Back in the truck I realized I forgot to fill up the Greater Reading and Berks Guides. Back into the belly of beast! I crept around outside, peeked in, and (yes!) he was talking to some other guy. The poor bastard! I entered with intent and started filling the guides as fast as human hands can move. I caught a bit of conversation. They were talking about... drainage. The visitor miraculously won himself a chance to leave- somehow interjecting, "Ha ha ha. No, I NEVER heard of water running uphill." He took a step, and sadly that was all. The sheer force of the monoliloquy sealed off his escape route. This poor guy didn't know. Unfortunately this was the only chance I had to save myself. Godspeed dude. I bolted.
I sat in the truck and wrote down all of the details. Unfortunately my fellow traveller never emerged. I made it to my hotel in time for The Office but where NBC was supposed to be, there was some community channel showing a frisbee golf tournament. Every throw, every painful detail. Please, enough details.
And now a few extras details:
* An argument could be made that laughing and coughing have more to do with the lungs than the mouth. I'll have none of it. You think I'd ruin a perfectly good alliteration on a technicality? You obviously don't know me too well, friend.
** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_community
*** http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8456677/
**** currently the Library of Congress has approximately 530 miles of bookshelves
Comments
Post a Comment