Ape Heaven, and Other Miscellany

Rodney Dangerfield's 100th birthday. Here's Norm MacDonald's tribute, from his book Based on a True Story:

I’ve got the inside scoop on big-time celebrities, and one of them is Rodney Dangerfield. Soon after meeting Rodney, when he was at the peak of his career, I learned a very distressing truth.

And that truth was that success and money mean nothing when it comes to achieving happiness.

From an outsider’s perspective, it seemed Rodney had everything: money, success, fame. But there was one thing Rodney Dangerfield was never able to attain, and it plagued him his entire life. The ugly little secret in Hollywood was that Rodney Dangerfield never got any respect.

Now, I know that’s hard to believe, but hear me out. Every story Mr. Dangerfield told me was more heartbreaking than the last. It had all started when he was a child and his father told him that his dying wish was to have little Rodney sit on his lap. I thought it was such an adorable thing for a father to tell his son. I really did. Until Rodney informed me his dad was sitting in the electric chair at the time.

Rodney’s mother now had to raise the boy alone and decided to get him a dog, but she didn’t think the dog would play with a tot such as Rodney unless she tied a pork chop around the boy’s neck.

Rodney finally grew up and became a man, but things didn’t improve. One time, he recalled, a hooker informed him, “Not tonight, I have a headache.” Imagine hearing that from a prostitute.

I told Rodney that when I felt the whole world was against me, I’d find a tavern, where a bartender would always lend an understanding ear. But Rodney said he tried that once and that when he asked the bartender for a double, the bartender brought out a guy who looked just like Rodney.

Rodney told me story after story and each had an identical theme: Rodney Dangerfield, famous, wealthy comedy superstar, just didn’t get any respect, no respect at all. Are you kidding me?

I suggested a therapist, and a sad look came into Rodney’s rheumy eyes. He had seen one, yes, and the therapist—and I use the term very loosely—said Rodney was crazy. Rodney demanded a second opinion, and the cruel psychiatrist told him that he was ugly as well. 

I felt so bad for my friend and hero. I wanted to tell him how deeply I respected him, both as a man and an entertainer, but I knew Rodney would only think I was mocking him. Then, one night, I got the most frightening phone call of my life.

Rodney had begun to feel that perhaps it was his fault that he never received any respect, and, disconsolate, he decided to end it all. He told me over the phone that in a fit of despair he had swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.

“Rodney,” I screamed into the phone, “please, listen, you must get to a doctor!”

“I just left his office, Norm. He told me to have a few drinks, try to get some sleep.”

I didn’t want to tell Rodney, but I thought that was one of the most disrespectful things I’d ever heard a doctor suggest. But Rodney already knew all too well. When he was away from the spotlight and alone with me, he would tell me his secret truth, all summed up in one sad sentence: “I tell you, Norm, it’s the story of my life; I don’t get no respect.”

And so it went with Rodney Dangerfield. It reminded me of that line in the Scriptures: “What doth it profit a man if he gains the whole world but don’t get no respect, no respect at all? Are you kidding me?”

November 22, 2021

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Can you believe that at any moment in time there are only estimated to be 20 atoms of francium in the entire world?

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I'm fed up with the mainstream media. It's now been several days... no need to keep showing Giuliani's diarrhea-streaked face.

November 22, 2020

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Trump used the power of his office to slow down the mail with the intent to disenfranchise voters who were voting legally. It didn't work, but many of his supporters turned a blind eye. I can only assume that they'd also turn a blind eye if Biden does something comparable in 2024 to disenfranchised Republicans, but I'd call for his immediate removal.

November 22, 2020

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Impeachment hoax, I want nothing, fake news, tremendous progress.

November 22, 2019

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Want to help me make a decision? Criterion Collection movies are 50% off at Barnes & Noble right now. A couple years ago I bought the Seventh Seal and Wild Strawberries when they were half off, my two favorites of Ingmar Bergman. I haven't even opened Wild Strawberries yet, but yet I'm irresistibly drawn to the new Ingmar Bergman boxset that just came out for his 100th birthday... 39 films, normally $300 but on sale for $150. I get 10% off at Barnes and Noble, and 2% cash back with my credit card. If I sell SS and WS, it might only cost me $100. That's only $2.50 per movie. And when's the last time I bought something frivolous anyway? But if I only live 30 more years, and only watch one every three years, as I have been, I'll only watch 10. Taste of Cinema declares 20 of his films masterpieces, imagine that! All kinds of extras, interviews, essays, etc. Watching these films every so often could be a nice hobby for the rest of my life. If I never get down to my last $100 it doesn't make a bit of difference anyway, right? This is the kind of stuff I wrestle with. What would you do if you were me?

November 22, 2018

Postscript- I sat on it for three years and then got a great deal and went for it. It's a year since then and I haven't watched one!

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Looked in the free meat bin at work before leaving... chicken livers, beef shins, pig jowls. Duds. Then checked the fridge... turkey, stuffing, gravy, vegetables, applesauce... all to be thrown away unless I'd take them home. A Thanksgiving miracle.

November 22, 2017

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That SNL skit has me thinking... does the military just assume Trump doesn't have an actual secret plan to defeat ISIS, or do they have to ask him what it is.

November 22, 2016

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Thelma Sanders squash? More like Nerf Football Squash! I could throw a 100 yard spiral with that thing. Pitiful day at the Squash Naming Institute that day.

November 22, 2016

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Can we please add "drinking the orange Kool-Aid" to the lexicon?

November 22, 2016

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Andy Borowitz:

Things Trump Promised to Do But Won't:

1.Build wall

2.Repeal Obamacare

3. Imprison Hillary Clinton

Things Trump Didn't Promise to Do But Already Has:

1.Attack Broadway musical

November 22, 2016

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So today Trump says there's some connectivity between humans and climate change, and that he's not going to lock up Hillary Clinton. Seriously what's up with this guy? He won't stop until he loses credibility with EVERYBODY?

November 22, 2016

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What side are you on?

Dan Rather- "When I see neo-Nazis raise their hands in terrifying solute, in public, in our nation's capital, I shudder in horror. When I see that action mildly rebuked by a boilerplate statement from the President-elect whom these bigots have praised, the anger in me grows. And when I see some in a pliant press turn that mild statement into what they call a denunciation I cannot hold back any longer."

November 22, 2016

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You've probably heard about the neo-Nazis hailing Trump at their meeting in Washington, and Trump's personal silence. Just wait, he'll make a statement. He'll have A LOT of opinions he'll need to make known once the unfair, failing SNL makes fun of him for his lack of reaction.

November 22, 2016

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It's time to start calling it "the knoll." Everybody knows it grassy.

November 22, 2013

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Two great friends got married yesterday after 25 years together. Congratulations to David Loehr and Lenny Prussack! They'll always remember where they were the day before the 50th anniversary of Kennedy's assassination.

November 22, 2013

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Many of you are asking for more pics of our baby Gretel. I'm not a post-a-pic-of-my-baby-each-day type of guy, but we're going to make an album that we'll share. In the meantime how about a mental image? She craps in her diapers, then smiles.

November 22, 2013

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"Obligatory viewing" is right.

Ebert-

Daily Streamer. John Ford's "The Grapes of Wrath," at times considered the greatest American film, is relatively new on Netflix Instant. I consider it obligatory viewing. Here is a left-wing parable, directed by a right-wing director, about how a sharecropper's son and barroom brawler is converted into a union organizer. The message is boldly displayed, but told with characters of such sympathy and images of such beauty that audiences feel more pity than anger or resolve. It's a message movie, but not a recruiting poster. Winner of 1941 Oscars for best actress (Jane Darwell) and director, and nominated for five more. My Great Movies review: http://bit.ly/fHlUpv

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I'm thankful for all the nice things I own.

November 22, 2010

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Someone just played GUAIACS against me in scrabble. They're cheating, right? Anybody ever heard of that word? Even if he knew it he wouldn't have found it in those jumbled crappy letters. (By the way, I've developed a serious Scrabble problem/obsession/addiction... but I suppose this sentence is redundant.)

November 22, 2010

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"Newfangled" is an oldfangled word. And if you people start using it, perhaps "oldfangled" will become a newfangled word. Is it me or is the "fangled" part of those words as completely unnecessary as the word "completely" before "unnecessary?"

November 22, 2010

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I was in the kitchen getting myself some coffee and I thought Emma yelled in- "I want to kill you!" Turns out she yelled "I want some kale juice!" Whew...

November 22, 2010

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Toy Story was released on this day in 1995, the first feature-length computer-generated cartoon.

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On Terry Gilliam's 80th birthday today, I'm celebrating 21 perfect cartoon seconds.

https://youtu.be/tlhdIR0sGyc

November 22, 2020

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Mary Ann Evans, known by her pen name, George Eliot, was born on this day in 1819.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact."

"It is a narrow mind which cannot look at a subject from various points of view."

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André Gide join us on this day in 1869.

"Everything's already been said, but since nobody was listening, we have to start again."

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Billie Jean King joined us on this day in 1943. A powerhouse quote, inscribed on the wall for all players to see as they walk out on to the US Open courts:

"Pressure is a privilege."

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Jack London left us on this day in 1916. From Who's Who in Hell:

"I believe that when I am dead, I am dead. I believe that with my death I am just as much obliterated as the last mosquito you and I squashed."

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Shemp Howard left us on this day in 1955.

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John F. Kennedy was assassinated on this day in 1963. CS Lewis and Aldous Huxley also died the same day.

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Gore Vidal on Kennedy- "I liked him tremendously, and I hang his picture in my library, not as an icon, not as a memory of Camelot, not as a memory of glorious nights at the White House or in Bel-Air; but never again to be taken in by anybody's charm. He was one of the most charming men I've ever known, one of the most intelligent, and one of the most disastrous presidents I think we've ever had."

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Other notable birthdays- Boris Becker (1967), Scarlett Johansson (1984)

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We lost Mae West on this day in 1980. Somehow I shared the earth with her for 6 years. My friend Kenneth Kendall was friends with her. His license plate was a quote of hers- MMM YES.

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Other notable deathdays- Jack London (1916), Scatman Crothers (1986), Anthony Burgess (1993)

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Several more slips down the slope and the Pope can join us in the post-enlightenment.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101122/ap_on_re_us/pope_condoms_reaction

November 22, 2010

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The Onion-Controversy Over ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ Sequel

http://onion.com/1emGX9v

November 22, 2013

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Have a spare 3 minutes for. TED Talk on how to tie your shoes?

http://t.ted.com/VmdgO3E

November 22, 2014

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The Atlantic- Donald Trump’s Eternal Feud With Blackness

"Apart from their political effectiveness, though, Trump’s feuds serve another purpose: They obscure the fact that he is a politician otherwise without identity. Without people of color to serve as a foil, there is no Trumpism. If not for his attacks on the Central Park Five, his birtherism, his slanders of immigrants, his “what the hell do you have to lose” exhortations, the travel bans, and his autonomic reactions against prominent black people, it’s hard to see how Trump ever could have been elected in the first place."

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/11/donald-trump-lavar-ball-marshawn-lynch-tweeting/546686

November 22, 2017

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Confidence vs knowledge.

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Bertrand Russell, What I Believe- “We also cannot suppose that an individual’s thinking survives bodily death, since death destroys the organization of the brain. All the evidence goes to show that what we regard as our mental life is bound up with brain structure and organized bodily energy. Therefore it is rational to suppose that mental life ceases when bodily life ceases.“

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Howard Stern asked Rodney Dangerfield if he believed in an afterlife a few months before he died. Rodney said, "We're apes. Do apes go anywhere when they die?"

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Plato- "Do not expect justice where might is right."

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Ken Burns- "A truly great nation can acknowledge its wrongs, and be better for it."

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Wilde- "An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all."

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Quentin Crisp- "I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds."

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Voltaire- "God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh."

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Vonnegut- "Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suicide."

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Sagan- "How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, “This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant?” Instead they say, “No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.” A religion, old or new, that stressed the magnificence of the Universe as revealed by modern science might be able to draw forth reserves of reverence and awe hardly tapped by the conventional faiths."