Ben Kreider, Get Out of the Woods
Once I was in a supposedly very haunted cemetery just outside Chicago, maybe a quarter mile back a long path in the woods. Bachelor's Grove Cemetery, you'll find it on every list. It was just after dark and I heard this strange, warbly voice saying, "Ben Kreider, get out of the woods. Ben Kreider, get out of the woods." I sprinted out of the woods!
When I got back to my van, there was a cop with Emma. Our van was in a park that was about to close, and the cop needed to lock the gate. He had been saying, "Ben Kreider, get out of the woods," into a megaphone.
George Carlin once joked that one thing you never see is a grown man running at full speed while taking a crap. It's true, but that's the closest I ever came to seeing it!
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I've never played tetris and I never will. I am dead certain that if I ever play it, it's all I'll ever think about again.
From John Green's Anthropocene Reviewed, perfectly capturing the allure. It's almost a metaphor for life itself. Was that his intent?
"These days, I often hear my contemporaries express bafflement that young people watch other people play video games on Twitch or YouTube, but I get it: I could watch friends play Tetris for hours. Even now, I find watching replays of the Tetris World Championships literally mesmerizing. There’s an extraordinary satisfaction to watching a clean stack build, a magnificent tension to waiting for the long piece, and then the thrill and relief of that long piece’s eventual arrival and boom, Tetris. The lines clear, and the building begins anew. Tetris is a game about time and space—time is always speeding up, with blocks falling faster and faster, and space is always filling in. There is no winning—Tetris always ends the same way, no matter how expertly you place the blocks. You play until you die. It takes five minutes to learn Tetris. It’s not grand or ambitious. It's merely perfect."
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If I were Pete Davidson, I'd be 100% convinced we're living in a simulation. I can't shake the thought of 2012 Pete looking 10 years into future where he's Kim Kardashian's boyfriend and Kanye West's arch-nemesis. He's living in what he would have considered to be an impossible future.
Eighteenth century Scottish philosopher David Hume's argument against miracles is that it's always more likely that you were somehow deceived or mistaken than that the miracle in question actually occurred. It's arguably somehow rational for Pete to distrust his self-evident reality, ridden with circumstances that have to be less likely than a simulation masquerading as reality! ...
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I just remembered something I haven't thought about in years. In high school I worked at the New Holland Meat Market and one day I was given a big tub of cow brains with instructions to peel off their outer membranes. Some lunatic came in and ate one raw with a sprinkle of salt. I can't imagine it would have made a difference if the membrane was left on.
April 9, 2018
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After Johnny Depp lived in Hunter S. Thompson’s basement for three months, he realized that his "nightstand" next to his bed was a live keg of gunpowder. He had been keeping his ashtray on it!
April 9, 2016
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Some classic Greek logic.
Dionysodorus- You say that you have a dog?
Clesippus- Yes, a villain of a one.
Dionysodorus- And he has puppies?
Clesippus- Yes, and they are very like himself.
Dionysodorus- And the dog is the father of them?
Clesippus- Yes, he said, I certainly saw him and the mother of the puppies come together.
Dionysodorus- And is he not yours?
Clesippus- To be sure he is.
Dionysodorus- Then he is a father, and he is yours; ergo, he is your father, and the puppies are your brothers.
April 9, 2016
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Elvis's twin brother died at birth, and his mom told Elvis that if he sang at midnight his brother could hear him. I guess that's one way to make your child the greatest singer who ever lived.
April 9, 2016
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If you're considering going to film school, maybe just have a baby instead. And then watch The Wizard of Oz every night like me.
April 9, 2015
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What's the big deal about the Westboro Baptist Church picketing funerals? For me it would be an honor- proof that I must have done something valuable for society.
April 9, 2013
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I love Moby Dick. Every once in awhile I open it to a random spot and read the first sentence I see. Here's the one I just got:
"Though in many natural objects, whiteness refiningly enhances beauty, as if imparting some special virtue of its own, as in marbles, japonicas, and pearls; and though various nations have in some way recognised a certain royal preeminence in this hue; even the barbaric, grand old kings of Pegu placing the title “Lord of the White Elephants” above all their other magniloquent ascriptions of dominion; and the modern kings of Siam unfurling the same snow-white quadruped in the royal standard; and the Hanoverian flag bearing the one figure of a snow-white charger; and the great Austrian Empire, Caesarian, heir to overlording Rome, having for the imperial color the same imperial hue; and though this pre-eminence in it applies to the human race itself, giving the white man ideal mastership over every dusky tribe; and though, besides, all this, whiteness has been even made significant of gladness, for among the Romans a white stone marked a joyful day; and though in other mortal sympathies and symbolizings, this same hue is made the emblem of many touching, noble things— the innocence of brides, the benignity of age; though among the Red Men of America the giving of the white belt of wampum was the deepest pledge of honor; though in many climes, whiteness typifies the majesty of Justice in the ermine of the Judge, and contributes to the daily state of kings and queens drawn by milk-white steeds; though even in the higher mysteries of the most august religions it has been made the symbol of the divine spotlessness and power; by the Persian fire worshippers, the white forked flame being held the holiest on the altar; and in the Greek mythologies, Great Jove himself being made incarnate in a snow-white bull; and though to the noble Iroquois, the midwinter sacrifice of the sacred White Dog was by far the holiest festival of their theology, that spotless, faithful creature being held the purest envoy they could send to the Great Spirit with the annual tidings of their own fidelity; and though directly from the Latin word for white, all Christian priests derive the name of one part of their sacred vesture, the alb or tunic, worn beneath the cassock; and though among the holy pomps of the Romish faith, white is specially employed in the celebration of the Passion of our Lord; though in the Vision of St. John, white robes are given to the redeemed, and the four-and-twenty elders stand clothed in white before the great-white throne, and the Holy One that sitteth there white like wool; yet for all these accumulated associations, with whatever is sweet, and honorable, and sublime, there yet lurks an elusive something in the innermost idea of this hue, which strikes more of panic to the soul than that redness which affrights in blood."
And people think the Bible was divinely inspired! It's more likely that Moby Dick was written by God than the Bible. Need more proof? This couldn't have been written by a human, could have it?
"There is, one knows not what sweet mystery about this sea, whose gently awful stirrings seem to speak of some hidden soul beneath; like those fabled undulations of the Ephesian sod over the buried Evangelist St. John. And meet it is, that over these sea-pastures, wide-rolling watery prairies and Potters' Fields of all four continents, the waves should rise and fall, and ebb and flow unceasingly; for here, millions of mixed shades and shadows, drowned dreams, somnambulisms, reveries; all that we call lives and souls, lie dreaming, dreaming, still; tossing like slumberers in their beds; the ever-rolling waves but made so by their restlessness."
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Happy Easter
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John Dillinger and his girlfriend, Billie Frechette, went out to dinner at State & Austin Tavern on this day in 1934. Frechette was caught by the FBI, but Dillinger escaped.
"I’m traveling a one-way road, and I’m not fooling myself as to what the end will be. If I surrender, I know it means the electric chair. If I go on, it’s just a question of how much time I have left."
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On this day in 1959, NASA announced Project Mercury and our first seven astronauts- Scott Carpenter, Gordon Cooper, John Glenn, Gus Grissom, Wally Schirra, Alan Shepard, and Deke Slayton. The media dubbed them, the Mercury 7.
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Every day is the anniversary of untold horror of the human race. From Wikipedia:
537 – Siege of Rome: The Byzantine general Belisarius receives his promised reinforcements, 1,600 cavalry, mostly of Hunnic or Slavic origin and expert bowmen. He starts, despite shortages, raids against the Gothic camps and Vitiges is forced into a stalemate.
1241 – Battle of Liegnitz: Mongol forces defeat the Polish and German armies.
1288 – Mongol invasions of Vietnam: Yuan forces are defeated by Trần forces in the Battle of Bach Dang in present-day northern Vietnam.
1388 – Despite being outnumbered 16 to 1, forces of the Old Swiss Confederacy are victorious over the Archduchy of Austria in the Battle of Näfels.
1917 – World War I: The Battle of Arras: The battle begins with Canadian Corps executing a massive assault on Vimy Ridge.
1918 – World War I: The Battle of the Lys: The Portuguese Expeditionary Corps is crushed by the German forces during what is called the Spring Offensive on the Belgian region of Flanders.
1940 – World War II: Operation Weserübung: Germany invades Denmark and Norway.
1940 – Vidkun Quisling seizes power in Norway.
1942 – World War II: The Battle of Bataan ends. An Indian Ocean raid by Japan's 1st Air Fleet sinks the British aircraft carrier HMS Hermes and the Australian destroyer HMAS Vampire.
1945 – Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Lutheran pastor and anti-Nazi dissident, is executed by the Nazi regime.
1945 – World War II: The German heavy cruiser Admiral Scheer is sunk by the Royal Air Force.
1980 – The Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein kills philosopher Muhammad Baqir al-Sadr and his sister Bint al-Huda after three days of torture.
1989 – Tbilisi massacre: An anti-Soviet peaceful demonstration and hunger strike in Tbilisi, demanding restoration of Georgian independence, is dispersed by the Soviet Army, resulting in 20 deaths and hundreds of injuries.
1990 – An IRA bombing in County Down, Northern Ireland, kills three members of the UDR.
But you know what I left out- the truces and peace. Lee surrended on this day, effectively ending the Civil War. It's easy to forget how long we've lived in relative peace. There have been wars, no doubt, but no superpowers fighting each other since WWII There is a lot of violence in our past but also a lot of peace, and closer to the present you get, the more peace there is.
I just realized that this is essentially the debate that Picard and Q were having in Star Trek: The Next Generation.
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Ward Bond was born in 1903. He was in all the best films.
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On this day in 1926 Hugh Hefner was born, then forever changed our view of sex and sexuality, both for the better, and for the worse.
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Carl Perkins was born on this day in 1932. "My dad gave $3 and a chicken for the first guitar I had.”
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Jean-Paul Belmondo, the French actor made famous by Jean-Luc Godard's Breathless was born this day in 1933. "Being afraid is the worst sin there is."
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Valerie Solanas was born on this day in 1936, shot Andy Warhol about 32 years later, and then died about 20 years after that. A year after Andy was shot, Fran Lebowitz knocked at the Factory door looking for a job, someone asked who it was, Fran said it was Valerie Solanas, and Andy opened the door!
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Brandon de Wilde was born on this day in 1942, and entered the film Hall of Fame 10 years later with his cries of, "Shane, Shane, come back Shane!" Shane is such a great film, but would it have been with him? He was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. I don't even have to look up who won to know that they weren't as good.
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Sam Harris was born on this day in 1967, my kindred intellectual spirit. There are few people I listen to or read who can convey ideas so clearly, concisely, and precisely. I have the honor of having contributed a question to his book, Lies.
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David Gordon Green was born on this day in 1975, a Terence Malick acolyte.
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Kristen Stewart was born on this day in 1990. "I want a cheeseburger so badly, but I have to be a vampire in a few weeks."
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Born on this day in 1998, Elle Fanning, famous in my world as the voice of Mei in My Neighbor Totoro.
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Dietrich Bonhoeffer died on this day in 1945 in Flossenburg concentration camp, a hero anti-Nazi dissident.
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Architect Frank Lloyd Wright also died on this day in 1959.
"A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines." Haha!
"The mother art is architecture. Without an architecture of our own, we have no soul of our civilization." Could that really be true?
Roger Sterling- “I’m supposed to have dinner with Jane’s snooty friends, sit around talking about Frank Lloyd Rice. I always say it that way. They hate it.”
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Willie Stargell left us on this day in 2001. He was part African-American in part Seminole, and was raised Seminole. He was also part Zen master- "Life is one big transition."
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Sidney Lumet died on this day in 2011, with an unbelievable number of excellent films to his name, from 12 Angry Men in 1957 to Before the Devil Knows You're Dead 50 years later, still firing on all cylinders. His book, Making Movies, is critical reading for anybody serious about films.
"All great work is preparing yourself for the accident to happen."
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Jack Nicholson was with Robin Williams at a benefit and leaned over and said in an intense voice, "even oysters have enemies."
Robin responded, "Increase your dosage."
Even oysters have enemies... I have to remember that.
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Pope Francis briefly worked as a nightclub bouncer and his hometown of Buenos Aires.
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Dare I post this? Why not? Evidently she posted it herself.
Scarlet Takes a Tumble
https://youtu.be/cIwTYL1fwJk
April 9, 2009
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Sinead O'Conner- All Apologies
How does this exist? From another dimension. Fearful it's telling her future too, although it's very good this was recorded ages and ages ago.
https://youtu.be/0fE8l25CG2E
Postscript- not sure when I wrote that, is it possible that she somehow didn't kill herself?
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Taste of Cinema- The 25 best films about landscape
One of the best film lists I've ever seen! The absence of any John Ford films is an abomination (a term I don't use loosely), and I would have liked to see The Last Picture Show too, but that's a minor gripe.
http://www.tasteofcinema.com/2015/the-25-best-films-about-landscape/
April 9, 2016
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After Louis CK's opening on SNL, I have a new favorite monologue about chickens. Herzog has been unseated.
https://youtu.be/QhMo4WlBmGM
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McSweeney's- I AM TRUMP’S LAWYER’S LAWYER’S LAWYER’S LAWYER AND WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?
by GARY M. ALMETER
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-am-trumps-lawyers-lawyers-lawyers-lawyer-and-would-someone-please-tell-me-what-the-fuck-i-am-supposed-to-be-doing
AprIL 9, 2018
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MSNBC- Failed US federal response to COVID-19 manifests as international disaster
Amazing graph at 3:50 illustrating the spread between countries. Why haven't countries with similar populations had similar outbreaks? Trump left the response to a national emergency up to the states, so it was a failed national response by definition. Remember when he didn't want the ship to dock because he didn't want his cases to double? The bozo said it on national TV! He didn't want testing because that would confirm more cases, while testing is what was needed to stop the spread. His narcissism (if nothing else) should have prompted a proper response to decrease cases, but he's incompetent too, only dealing with daily headlines. So when faced with a disaster with an incompetent, narcissistic leader, the rest was predictable.
https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/failed-us-federal-response-to-covid-19-manifests-as-international-disaster-81814597573
April 9, 2020
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This sketch crosses my mind way too much.
Monty Python- Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson
https://youtu.be/CA8xTGP_M8g
April 9, 2020
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Richard Dawkins- "The majority of children born into the world tend to inherit the beliefs of their parents, and that to me is one of the most regrettable facts of them all."
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Walt Whitman- "This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."
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"People don't realize how much they are in the grip of ideas. We live among ideas much more than we live in nature."
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John Fante- "Nor did he give a damn for the world either, or the universe, or heaven or hell. But he liked women."
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James Joyce, Ulysses- "Love loves to love love."
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Charles Baudelaire- “It is the hour to be drunken! To escape being the martyred slaves of time, be ceaselessly drunk. On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as you wish.”
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Sam Harris, Letter to a Christian Nation- "The president of the United States has claimed, on more than one occasion, to be in dialogue with God. If he said that he was talking to God through his hairdryer, this would precipitate a national emergency. I fail to see how the addition of a hairdryer makes the claim more ridiculous or offensive."
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Dumb Short Joke of the Day:
If Ani is short for Anakin, what is Luke short for? A stormtrooper.
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I asked my new best friend, ChatGPT, to give me a simulated conversation on authoritarianism between Christopher Hitchens and Donald Trump. Pretty on the money!
Sure, here's a simulated conversation between Christopher Hitchens and Donald Trump on the subject of authoritarianism:Christopher Hitchens: Mr. Trump, let's start with a simple question. What do you understand by the term "authoritarianism"?Donald Trump: Well, Chris, I think it's when you have a strong leader who knows what's best for the country, and they make the tough decisions that need to be made, even if some people don't like it.Christopher Hitchens: That's one way to look at it. But isn't authoritarianism really about concentrating power in the hands of a single individual or a small group of people, at the expense of democracy and individual rights?Donald Trump: I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, I was democratically elected by the people, so I don't think you can really call me an authoritarian.Christopher Hitchens: Well, let's talk about some of your actions as president. For example, your attacks on the press and your tendency to label any criticism of you as "fake news". Don't those actions suggest a disdain for freedom of the press and freedom of speech?Donald Trump: Not at all, Chris. I just think the media is biased against me, and I'm not afraid to call them out on it. As for freedom of speech, I'm all for it, as long as people aren't saying things that are untrue or harmful.Christopher Hitchens: But who decides what's true or harmful? You seem to have a very narrow definition of what constitutes "truth". And when you use your power to silence critics or intimidate the media, aren't you undermining the very foundations of democracy?Donald Trump: Look, Chris, I'm just doing what's best for the country. I know what the people want, and I'm not afraid to make the tough decisions, even if they're unpopular.Christopher Hitchens: But isn't that the very essence of authoritarianism? The idea that the leader knows best, and that the people should just follow blindly? That's not what democracy is about, Mr. Trump.Donald Trump: I don't agree, Chris. I think the people elected me to be their leader, and they trust me to make the right decisions for them. That's what democracy is all about.Christopher Hitchens: With all due respect, Mr. Trump, I think you have a very narrow and distorted view of democracy. Democracy is about more than just winning elections. It's about respecting the rule of law, protecting individual rights, and ensuring that all voices are heard, even those that criticize or oppose the government.Donald Trump: Well, Chris, I appreciate your opinion, but I think I know what's best for the country. And as long as the people keep electing me, I'll keep doing what I think is right.Christopher Hitchens: I'm afraid that's precisely the kind of attitude that leads to authoritarianism, Mr. Trump. Democracy is a fragile and precious thing, and we must do everything we can to protect it from those who would undermine it, even if they are democratically elected. Thank you for your time.
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