Little Richard, Huh?
Little Richard joined us on this day in 1932. You know the original lyrics of Tutti Frutti? Any kids in the room? You better get them out.
"A wop bop a loo mop a good goddam, Tutti Frutti, good booty, if it don't fit, don't force it, you can grease it, make it easy."
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Totally unrelated, today is the birthday of Moe Gatto, born on this day in 1973. Here's an excerpt from my upcoming eulogy of him:
At the low point of my life, I was driving on 222 at about 700am dreading the rest of the day at my miserable job. I realized there was a car driving right next to me. I looked over with a glum look on my face to see Moe Gatto pointing and laughing at me. Then he sped off into the sunrise. I just sat there stunned. What just happened? He didn't say one word, and somehow that was the best zinger anybody ever landed on me. And in that moment, I just wished that one day, I would be able to tell you that story here today.
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If we had a baby together, I like to think it would be the inimitable Jacob Gregoire.
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/KMELVmaGA8ZrKPrB/
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We had our company holiday party on Friday night. I was talking to an employee and his wife. The employee and I went to high school together and he was kind of a crazy guy. His wife said something about him putting dead birds in people's lockers. He played it off as if it was something he never did. I thought of a good joke quickly. I said, "I wonder if that's why all those dead birds are turning up in people's desks at work." His wife said, "You aren't still doing that are you???" He played that off as if if something he never did either. I woke up in the middle of the night that night giggling about it. Why would she think I would make something like that up??? The crux of the joke is that I aimed to get her to think it was more likely that he would still be doing that some 40 years later, in his mid-50's, than that I thought of that joke so quickly. Haha, perfect.
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Nice action shot of Gretel deciding to not hold Zuzu's hand anymore.
December 5, 2021
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Some people say they don't know enough about the vaccine yet. Do they know enough about covid yet??? With five million deaths worldwide, it's as if some of these people would prefer Manson to Hitler! (Yeah, I said it!) A lot of people in my orbit have contracted covid recently, and in my personal experience everyone who gets it bad has one overriding thought- "I wish I got the vaccine!" If I didn't get the vaccine, my cognitive dissonance would be through the roof.
December 5, 2021
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Putting my kids to bed, I always ask them to tell me something they learned that day. Last night...
Gretel- Did you know that sometimes dogs sniff their own butts?
Me- Yeah, I knew that.
Gretel- Are they saying hi to themselves?
Me- Why would they need to do that?
Zuzu- Maybe just to have a little fun.
Me- Is that how you have fun?
Silence from Zuzu. Uproarious laughter from Gretel. Continued silence from Zuzu.
Gretel- Maybe for dogs sniffing butts is like smoking is to people.
Pretty good analysis.
December 5, 2020
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Christmas season for two silly birds.
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Emma's dad gave us quite a gift, a hundred trillion dollar bill! You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. It's an official hundred trillion dollar bill. Funny thing is, I could probably win three hundred million dollars by betting a dollar with everybody in our country who thought I was lying. Some people might even bet their bank account. Would you?
I wouldn't win too much in Zimbabwe though. They might be familiar with these bills since that's where they're from. They printed them when their economy crashed. They are worthless except for novelty purposes. Emma's dad bought ten for $7.
December 5, 2018
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After 3000+ Scrabble games, for the first time I started off a game with four bingos- UNEATEN, STRAWING, RAINIER, and SHACKIER. I'm going to have to pull off a miracle to find a bingo out of D, V, J, C, E, E, and I.
December 5, 2017
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Bush only had one heckuva-job-Brownie in eight years. I'm mentally preparing for monthly heckuva-job-Brownies.
December 5, 2016
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To the give-Trump-a-chance folks, don't overlook the Iran hawks creeping into his cabinet, and consider the trillion dollar Iran War pricetag- $3000/person. If we're going to do this, let's pay for it upfront. Mail me your checks for safe-keeping.
December 5, 2016
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I have to remember this next time I'm interviewing for a job- "I wanted your job although I'm not qualified for the job you're offering. I once tried to murder someone who was only saved by his belt buckle. My personal theory that the pyramids were used for storing grain. Hillary Clinton is the devil. And I don't believe in the company mission."
December 5, 2016
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Does anybody else have the feeling that Ben Carson said he was unqualified for a cabinet position because he knew that that's the exact quality that would appeal to Trump?
December 5, 2016
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Ben Carson...both the punchline and the joke.
December 5, 2016
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There is a 1 in 365.25 chance that your birthday will eventually be your deathday. Something to think about, Maurice Gatto.
December 5, 2015
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Thought experiment- what would you do if you were a member if ISIS? Get a visa with forged documents if necessary, come to America, go to a gun show, buy the most powerful weapons and ammunition money could buy, go to a highly populated area of some sort of symbolic importance, and kill as many people as possible. Now what SHOULD one do as a member of ISIS? The answer is plain- accept that there is no reason to believe the Koran is divinely inspired and that they're free to overlook all of the death-to-non-believer passages- same as all of the moderate Muslims have done, and same as every Christian I've ever met has done with the Bible. I'm not crazy am I? That is is what they should do. But how do we get them to?
December 5, 2015
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From Stephen Colbert's book America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't: "Some people don't believe in American Exceptionalism. Some people won't stand up for America. (These people are called Ameriplegics.) They think there are things in our history to be ashamed of. But I'm sorry, America is good at everything, except one thing: apologizing. Why should we apologize? Everything we've ever done has ended up creating the greatest country in the world, ergo everything we did was the best possible choice. Besides, "hindsight is 20/20." What does that mean? I don't know. We'll have to wait until the year 2020 to find out."
December 5, 2012
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E. D. Nixon and Rosa Parks lead the Montgomery bus boycott on this day in 1955
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Walt Disney and Werner Heisenberg were born on this day in 1901.
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Otto Preminger was born on this day in 1905.
"I live in the present. When I finish a film, it is behind me. My reward is in my work, not in a lot of old memories."
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Joan Didion joined us on this day in 1934.
"Do not whine...
Do not complain.
Work harder.
Spend more time
alone."
Her ancestors were part of the group that came west with the Donner party, but they split off when the Donners decided to take an unknown shortcut.
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Margaret Cho was born on this day in 1968. I saw her at Slippery Rock in 1993, way before anybody ever knew of her, and she blew me away. We laughed our asses off for the hour or so that she was on.
"Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride."
The story about her shitting her pants while she was driving his one for the ages.
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Jessica Paré was born on this day in 1980. "It's just a milkshake." That bit of advice crosses my mind very often.
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Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart left us on this day in 1791, at the age of 35.
"The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between."
Supposedly his last words were, "The taste of death is upon my lips...I feel something, that is not of this earth."
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Alexandre Dumas left us on this day in 1870.
"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.
"Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.'"
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Mass murderer Richard Speck died of a heart attack in prison on this day in 1991, one day short of his 50th birthday.
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Nelson Mandela left us on this day in 2013.
“Real leaders must be ready to sacrifice all for the freedom of their people.”
It's almost like he didn't even know Zelenskyy.
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Other notable birthdays- Martin Van Buren (1782), Fritz Lang (1890)
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Another notable deathday- Claude Monet (1926)
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Huffington Post- Walmart Rejected Proposal To Protect Bangladesh Factories Against Fire: Report
You don't say! And what was that about $3 billion in profits last quarter?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/05/walmart-bangladesh-factory-fire_n_2244891.html
December 5, 2012
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Ladies and gentlemen, the Onion at its best...
The Onion- Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed
http://onion.com/1bkPQ3d
December 5, 2013
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Huffington Post- Dick Cheney Didn't Regret His Vote Against Freeing Nelson Mandela, Maintained He Was A 'Terrorist'
He's a cartoon villain, right?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/05/dick-cheney-nelson-mandela-terrorist_n_4394071.html
December 5, 2013
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Lancaster Online- THE SCRIBBLER: We used to hang ’em high on Gallows Hill
Great, like 100 feet from my house.
https://lancasteronline.com/opinion/the-scribbler-we-used-to-hang-em-high-on-gallows/article_87fb4086-9534-11e5-ad3f-f7bc2465c1bd.html
December 5, 2015
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Dead State- Pranksters fool people by reading morbid and misogynist bible verses, telling them it’s the Koran
Perfect!
http://deadstate.org/pranksters-fool-people-by-reading-morbid-and-mysoginist-bible-verses-telling-them-its-the-koran/
December 5, 2015
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NPR- Al Gore Meets With Donald And Ivanka Trump In Search For 'Common Ground'
Al Gore said it was a productive meeting... but I still have the feeling Trump will consider what % of his followers populating the cities decimated by hurricanes before deciding how much disaster money to allocate.
http://www.npr.org/2016/12/05/504463711/al-gore-meets-with-donald-and-ivanka-trump-in-search-for-common-ground
December 5, 2016
Postscript- As it turns out, he would use all the machinations of government to his personal advantage.
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New York Times Opinion- Why I Will Not Cast My Electoral Vote for Donald Trump
This can catch on. If you like, share it and help make it a thing. A Republican elector deciding to vote his conscience, and his case is rock solid. In part:
"The United States was set up as a republic. Alexander Hamilton provided a blueprint for states’ votes. Federalist 68 argued that an Electoral College should determine if candidates are qualified, not engaged in demagogy, and independent from foreign influence. Mr. Trump shows us again and again that he does not meet these standards. Given his own public statements, it isn’t clear how the Electoral College can ignore these issues, and so it should reject him."
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/05/opinion/why-i-will-not-cast-my-electoral-vote-for-donald-trump.html
December 5, 2016
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A prescient Hamilton:
"When a man unprincipled in private life desperate in his fortune, bold in his temper, possessed of considerable talents, having the advantage of military habits—despotic in his ordinary demeanour—known to have scoffed in private at the principles of liberty—when such a man is seen to mount the hobby horse of popularity—to join in the cry of danger to liberty—to take every opportunity of embarrassing the General Government & bringing it under suspicion—to flatter and fall in with all the non sense of the zealots of the day—It may justly be suspected that his object is to throw things into confusion that he may “ride the storm and direct the whirlwind.""
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The Hill- Special counsel subpoenas German bank for Trump account details: Reuters source
This was the line in the sand the president drew... go after his personal finances and he'd fire Mueller, or something along those lines. Let's pretend for a second that Trump's own money funded the Russian government to interfere in our election to put forth pro-Russian policies. You think his support might drop to 32%? You think if the Russian government paid him, his support might drop to 30%? The American president as an unregistered Russian agent. Probably wouldn't make much of a dent.
http://hill.cm/KkxcpyQ
December 5, 2017
Postscript- Just a reminder that grown-ups can entertain hypotheticals.
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The Onion- Furloughed Willie Horton Pays Respects At George H.W. Bush Funeral
https://trib.al/DARmPww
December 5, 2018
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McSweeney's- CHILI’S MENU, BY CORMAC McCARTHY by JUSTIN TAPP
Looks like I'm going to Chili's tonight!
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/chilis-menu-by-cormac-mccarthy
December 5, 2019
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AV Club- Noam Chomsky has "never heard of Baby Yoda" and has "no thoughts about memes"
One time I emailed Noam Chomsky, and I got a response from him. And then I responded back to him. And then I wondered aloud, "Why the hell am I wasting Noam Chomsky's time???"
https://trib.al/zENAqUQ
December 5, 2019
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NPR- Pro-Trump counties now have far higher COVID death rates. Misinformation is to blame
Puts me in mind of the Neil deGrasse Tyson quote, "The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe it."
https://n.pr/3DwUQm4
December 5, 2021
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The Archaeologist- Scientists Have Just Successfully Recreated A Dinosaur From Chicken DNA!
Nothing to see here folks. Move along, move along.
December 5, 2022
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Didion again:
“I followed my own conscience.” “I did what I thought was right.” How many madmen have said it and meant it? How many murderers? Klaus Fuchs said it, and the men who committed the Mountain Meadows Massacre said it, and Alfred Rosenberg said it. And, as we are rotely and rather presumptuously reminded by those who would say it now, Jesus said it. Maybe we have all said it, and maybe we have been wrong. Except on that most primitive level — our loyalties to those we love — what could be more arrogant than to claim the primacy of personal conscience?
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Epictetus- Any person capable of angering you, becomes your master."
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Groucho- "I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that."
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Voltaire- "To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid - one must also be polite."
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Muhammad Ali- "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then they can sure make something out of you."
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Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping (Pine Cove, #1)- "I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores."
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Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray- "She is a peacock in everything but beauty!"
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Churchill- "Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting."
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Mark Twain- "I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
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Woody Allen- "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
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John Stewart- "It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya."
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Sarah Silverman- “Everybody's doing jokes about ‘Bea Arthur has a penis’. It's so mean and I happen to know for fact that she doesn't have a penis. She has a vagina, okay? She has a big floppity, sloppy, bushy, wiry, gray vagina. Which reminds me, Courtney Love is here. I was curious to see which Courtney Love was gonna show up: the smeared lipstick, crazy coke whore, or the violent, smeared lipstick, crazy coke whore. No, I'm so glad she's here. I left my crack in my other purse.”
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Garry Shandling- “Everyone at a party is uncomfortable. Knowing that makes me more comfortable.”
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