Honus Wagner Traded for Steven Wright

Steven Wright joined us on this day in 1955, incidentally the day that Honus Wagner left us. I adore his humor. Steven Wright's, not Honus Wagner's.

"I knew a guy who nearly went insane trying to take a close-up photograph of the horizon."

"My friend has wooden legs but real feet."

"Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee."

"I went to a place to eat. It said 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

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Here's my million dollar idea- the Perspective News Network. Everyday we'll cover the most deadly topics we're facing. It will be a lot of cancer and heart disease-based programming, with maybe a special on household accidents. Probably won't even mention sharks, asteroids or Wal-Mart stampedes. Thinking more about this...might be more of a hundred dollar idea that will cost a million dollars.

December 6, 2015

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Healthy disrespect for authority from Gretel. I have her on video saying she farted on her teacher, Gretel thought it was funny, and her teacher didn't like it.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/QtwUF38p17SXbgaE

December 6, 2015

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"So, Sunday I answer the phone and hear, "fuck you." My old friend Moe called me from France. A story he told almost made me shit. I laughed so hard. He told me he had the shits while picking grapes and he squatted down and farted and shit himself, and he still had to work 2 hours. I was so happy."

December 11, 1992

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The Nefertiti Bust was discovered on this day in 1912 

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Finland declared independence from the Russian Empire on this day in 1917. Today they are armed to the gills to prevent an attack. 

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U.S. federal judge John M. Woolsey ruled on this day in 1933, that James Joyce's novel Ulysses was not obscene. My College Writing professor wrote the Cliff Notes to Ulysses! A friend had a class specifically on Ulysses with him, and said that there's a few pages about wiping a butt. Maybe that's not obscene in John M. Woolsey's book!

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On this day in 2017, Donald Trump's administration officially announced the recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. One thing he did that Bill Maher agreed with.

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Larry Bowa joined us on this day in 1945. Would you believe me if I told you that he was a proponent of transcendental meditation?

https://youtu.be/WhAXPMdK2t0

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Other notable birthdays- Agnes Moorehead (1900), Baby Face Nelson (1908)

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Leadbelly left us on this day in 1949. When I was substitute teaching I decided I wasn't going to accept any work the following day. I also had a minor obsession with Leadbelly at the time. It turned out that his complete recorded works would cost the same that I would get paid for one day of teaching. I remember at the time thinking that if Leadbelly could spend all that time in the cotton fields, I could certainly work one simple day in a school. They called me in, I took the job, and spent all the money for his recorded works. I remember thinking the whole day about how nice it was that I was not picking cotton.

https://youtu.be/dJAXmLJgAxk

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Roy Orbison left us on this day in 1988. Otherworldly- Crying.

https://youtu.be/qLC9o_unLq4

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The Week- What women can and can’t do in Saudi Arabia

I'm not a cultural relativist, I believe things are right and wrong...things that are right lead to human flourishing, and things that are wrong, do not. Saudi Arabia is now allowing women to vote, but they still have a lot of work to do. After reading this list I don't see how someone could possibly use the argument, "but it's their culture."

http://www.theweek.co.uk/60339/eleven-things-women-in-saudi-arabia-cannot-do

December 6, 2015

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Vice- Photos of Struggle and Hope in Appalachia

http://www.vice.com/read/aint-no-grave-gonna-hold-my-body-down-v22n12

December 6, 2015

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The Hill- Mattis, Tillerson warned Trump of security concerns in Israel embassy move

So Mattis and Tillerson think moving the US embassy to Jerusalem is a mistake due to security concerns (along with what, 99% of us?) I can hear the other 1% now, "but what about Benghazi???"

http://hill.cm/aASd7wk

December 6, 2017

Postscript- Huh, and now he hosts admitted antisemites. He's an interesting guy.

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Huffington Post- Every President Recited The Apostles' Creed Except Trump, And People Definitely Noticed

I wish it didn't, but this article caught my fascination. When I heard about this yesterday I just figured Trump didn't know the words, because of course he didn't. But he's actively not reading them off a sheet for some reason. Why??? He's actively choosing to not participate in the religious portion at the funeral of a former president, while standing there scowling. Bizarre behavior. And Melania too. My best guess is that he was grumpy because it wasn't about him.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-apostles-creed_us_5c08d01ce4b0bf813ef4063c

December 6, 2018

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Can't get this out of my head, I Wish It Was Christmas Today. Not the song, Tracy's dancing. Magic. He's some sort of genius.

https://youtu.be/jDdSQlCbJ90

December 6, 2018

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Politifact- When Donald Trump lost the Iowa caucus to Ted Cruz in 2016, "he immediately cried that Cruz cheated.”

At a bare minimum, those still believing Trump won need to admit he pulled this same fraudulent voter fraud scam when he lost the 2016 Iowa Caucus to Ted Cruz.

Trump- "Based on the fraud committed by Senator Ted Cruz during the Iowa Caucus, either a new election should take place or Cruz results nullified."

This is just what he does! He sees himself as a perfect person, and perfect people don't lose elections. He protects his brand at all costs, at ALL costs. So if he undermines election integrity to keep himself from being branded a loser, so be it. If others receive death threats based on unfounded claims, so be it. If widespread violence erupts later because a bunch of lunatics feel disenfranchised, so be it. Can't be a loser.

https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/nov/20/tweets/yes-donald-trump-claimed-fraud-after-2016-iowa-cau/

December 6, 2020

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The Hill- Georgia’s GOP lieutenant governor: ‘Facts’ show Biden won state

Fascinating days we're living through, when leading Republican officials simply state that the facts of an election matter, and it makes them come off as a bunch of Captain Americas.

There seems to be two sides lately... one in which the facts of an election matter, and another apparently united around the idea that the current president has some sort of divine right to remain in power.

http://hill.cm/CNZfHPh

December 6, 2020

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Nei DeGrasse Tyson- "If you remove a person's arteries, veins, & capillaries, and tie them end to end, that person will die."

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Voltaire- The discovery of what is true and the practice of that which is good are the two most important aims of philosophy.

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John Stewart's legendary monologue to end the Daily Show:

Bullshit is everywhere.

There is very little that you will encounter in life that has not been, in some way, infused with bullshit; not all of it bad. The general day-to-day organic free-range bullshit is often necessary, or, at the very least, innocuous: "Oh, what a beautiful baby! I'm sure it'll grow into that head!" That kind of bullshit, in many ways, provides important social contract fertilizer, which keeps people from making each other cry all day. But then, there's the more pernicious bullshit; the premediated, institutional bullshit designed to obscure and distract. Designed by whom? The bullshit-ocracy. It comes in three basic flavours:

1. Making bad things sound like good things. "Organic, all-natural cupcakes", because "Factory-made sugar oatmeal balls" doesn't sell. "Patriot Act", because "Are-you-scared-enough-to-let-me-look-at-all-your-phone-records? Act" doesn't sell. So, whenever something's been titled "Freedom, Family, Fairness and Health America", take a good, long sniff. Chances are it's been manufactured in a facility that may contain traces of bullshit.

2. Hiding the bad things under mountains of bullshit. Complexity. "You know, I would love to download Drizzy's latest Meek Mill diss, but I'm not really interested right now in reading Tolstoy's iTunes agreement. So, I'll just click "Agree", even if it grants Apple prima nocta with my spouse!" Here's another one: simply put, "Banks shouldn't be able to bet your pension money on red" Bullshitly put it's, "Hey, a handful of billionaires can't buy our elections, right? Of course not. They can only pour unlimited, anonymous cash into a 501(c)4 if 50% is devoted to Issue Education, otherwise they'd have to 501(c)6 it, or funnel it openly through a non-campaign coordinating Super PAC, with a quarter- I think they're asleep now, we can sneak out!"

And finally, the bullshit of infinite possibility. These bullshitters cover their unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. "We can't do anything, because we don't yet know everything." "We cannot take action on climate change until everyone in the world agrees gay marriage vaccines won't case our children to marry goats who are gonna come for our guns"

But the good news is this: bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy, and their work is easily detected, and looking for it is kind of a pleasant way to pass the time, like an I spy of bullshit. So I say to you tonight, friends, the best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So, if you smell something, say something.

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So glad to hear they are considering Sarah Silverman as the new Daily Show host. I watched it with Trevor Noah for about a year until I realized I might have laughed only a handful of times. He's smart, but not particularly funny.

Sarah- “Many years ago now, at the beginning of Twitter practically, I scheduled a tweet. I scheduled it for 8:05 pm Pacific time. Why would I remember that? Because at 8 pm Pacific time, we captured and killed Osama bin Laden. The Twitterverse was aflame. At 8:05, I tweeted: ‘Why do my dog's doodies come out cold?’ Let me just remind you, I scheduled that tweet. That's how good I thought it was. And I feel a little bit like Peter Sellers in Being There, like people put more depth on me than I have at all. Like, I bet there were people that saw that tweet and were like, ‘You know what? That was cold, but it is our duty.’”

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Reminds me of another John Stewart quote:

"The reason I don't worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I'll take those odds every fucking day."

Not funny, but damn! Gives me goosebumps, and goosebumps supercede laughter.

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Woody Allen- "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."

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Twain- "But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"

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Churchill- "A joke is a very serious thing."

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Groucho- "Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

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Sagan- "The sky calls to us. If we do not destroy ourselves, we will one day venture to the stars."

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Vonnegut- "Plato says that the unexamined life is not worth living. But what if the examined life turns out to be a clunker as well?"

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Shandling- “I remember when I was a struggling comic appearing for the first time in Las Vegas. Don Rickles came in to watch the new guy. Afterward, he came backstage, and I asked him if he thought I was funny. He said, ‘You know when you're funny. You don't have to ask.’ And he was right.”

His buddy, Judd apatow was born on this day in 1967. If there were no Garry Shandling, you never would have heard of Judd Apatow. And no George Carlin giving a young Garry Shandling some support, you never would have heard of him either. Judd Apatow directed fantastic documentaries on each of them.

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Steven Wright- "You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I don't take baths."

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Picasso:

Addendum

Myspace Blog

December 6, 2007

Living in a van at the right hand of God

Through a strange series of zanier and zanier misadventures I discovered that Chris Farley was born ten years and twelve days before me, and today is twelve days before the ten year anniversary of his death. "So what does it mean," you ask? In the words of Mr. Natural, "Don't mean sheeeit." Except, of course, that on December 30th I'll be exactly as old as Chris Farley was when he died. (It took me about ten minutes to figure that out.) So, in Chris Farley's honor, and for your viewing pleasure:

https://youtu.be/VdQKVDUBu2g

You know what the funniest thing in that video is to me? The second pie in the old lady's face.