Holding Diarrhea, Trick Shots of the Gods, and To Live Again

Greatest trick shot of all time?

I saw this yesterday and can't get it out of my head. This guy is rolling a donut on an umbrella, and throws some old, weird Nicolas Cage pillow over his head like 50 ft into a basket, then gives a look like he's never seen anything more beautiful. It's the look that the Buddha must have given when he found enlightenment.

https://fb.watch/hzvmalYXfU/?mibextid=6aamW6

December 22, 2022

...

Some people are seeing religious overtones to Jupiter and Saturn appearing to be next to each other from the perspective of Earth. Instead, I'm reminded of Ben Kenobi- "You're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

December 22, 2020

...

Buttigieg is a genius debater in my opinion. He boils down complicated issues to a basic yet non-dumbed down outline. He's pithy. He's sharp. He's clear, concise and precise. But why doesn't he quit flaunting his smart privilege???

December 22, 2019

...

Me: If you have diarrhea, why don't you want to hold it?

Gretel: But I do want to hold it.

Me: Won't it run through your fingers?

A 5-second pause, a smile, then uproarious laughter from Gretel. Perhaps my most well-received joke ever.

December 22, 2018

Postscript- I just asked Gretel the same question and she kept saying, "I don't know what you mean!" I told her that somewhere between the ages of 5 and 9 she forgot that she's supposed to hold in her diarrhea.

...

I think it's strange that no matter if you're from a red state or a blue state, we elected an orange president. (And that's not an ad hominem attack, since I'm not even sure he's a hominoid.)

December 22, 2016

Postscript-To my knowledge, that is the only joke I made about him being orange!

...

Forget impeaching Trump (pick a reason), if he uses nuclear weapons and the next president doesn't grant extradition to the Hague for crimes against humanity, THAT president should be impeached.

December 22, 2016

Postscript- Not sure what was going on here, but it sounds like you might have been threatening to use them.

...

Whoever wrote A Charlie Brown Christmas was clinically depressed.

December 22, 2016

...

Let's forget for a second about Russia influencing our election, and let's talk about the hundreds of elections that we've tried to influence. If we influence elections for the sake of democracy, great, but we've propped up dictators for monetary reasons.

December 22, 2016

...

I don't wish second-class citizenry on any group in our country or any other, but if I was forced to pick one group for it the answer is simple- I'd pick those who wish second-class citizenry on others.

December 22, 2013

...

I think my favorite euphemism of all time is "dog dirt." What's yours?

December 22, 2012

...

...

On this day in 1808, Beethoven conducted the premiere of his Fifth Symphony, Sixth Symphony, Fourth Piano Concerto and Choral Fantasy.

...

Dostoevsky was about to executed on this day in 1849 for taking part in anti-government activities (including listening to a talk critical of the Russian armed forces), but at the last moment, basically just after "ready, aim..." a messenger from Tzar Nicholas I came with word that his death sentence was commuted. 

Unbeknownst to him it was a staged execution, and he had been given 45 minutes to wait, figuring that he was living his last movements on Earth. Can you imagine having that experience? How would you live your life differently afterward?

Hours afterward he wrote a letter to his brother Mikhail. Some excerpts:

"Brother! I’m not despondent and I haven’t lost heart. Life is everywhere, life is in us ourselves, not outside. There will be people by my side, and to be a human being among people and to remain one forever, no matter in what circumstances, not to grow despondent and not to lose heart — that’s what life is all about, that’s its task. I have come to recognize that. The idea has entered my flesh and blood… The head that created, lived the higher life of art, that recognized and grew accustomed to the higher demands of the spirit, that head has already been cut from my shoulders… But there remain in me a heart and the same flesh and blood that can also love, and suffer, and pity, and remember, and that’s life, too!"

...and...

"I haven’t lost heart, remember that hope has not abandoned me… After all I was at death’s door today, I lived with that thought for three-quarters of an hour, I faced the last moment, and now I’m alive again!"

...and...

“When I turn back to look at the past, I think of how much time has been wasted, how much of it lost in misdirected efforts, mistakes, and idleness, in living the wrong way. However I treasured life, how much I sinned against my heart and spirit—my heart bleeds now as I think of it.”

...and...

“Life is a gift, life is happiness, each minute could be an eternity of bliss."

Quite a gift the tzar gave Dostoevsky, right? Gift... is that the right word? Maybe not, because after that, he was sent to a Siberian prison camp for four years.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how Dostoevsky learned the true meaning of absurdity, a lesson he passed to Sartre, Camus and the other existentialists. For those considering themselves modern-day torch-bearers, maybe we should thank the tzar too?

So seriously, how should one live their life differently after having that experience? Well guess what. The same thing happens to each of us every day of our lives. Everyday we are spared, we just don't realize it. (Well, everyday except one.)

The experience affected Bukowski, thankfully not in the same way as any of us, presumably. What is it with him? Does he think this is a beautiful world or disgusting one? I guess his writing is compelling because it often seems to destroy the dichotomy. 

.

Dostoevsky

By Charles Bukowski

against the wall, the firing squad ready.

then he got a reprieve.

suppose they had shot Dostoevsky?

before he wrote all that?

I suppose it wouldn't have

mattered

not directly.

there are billions of people who have

never read him and never

will.

but as a young man I know that he

got me through the factories,

past the whores,

lifted me high through the night

and put me down

in a better

place.

even while in the bar

drinking with the other

derelicts,

I was glad they gave Dostoevsky a

reprieve,

it gave me one,

allowed me to look directly at those

rancid faces

in my world,

death pointing its finger,

I held fast,

an immaculate drunk

sharing the stinking dark with

my

brothers.

.

Even Joseph Campbell said there were "sublime monsters." The Buddha believes all is one. It all seems somehow connected. Dostoevsky and the firing squad, it crosses my mind all the time.

...

On this day in 1885, Itō Hirobumi, a samurai, becomes the first Prime Minister of Japan.

...

The Graduate was released on this day in 1967.

...

"Subway vigilante" Bernhard Goetz shot four would-be muggers on a 2 express train in Manhattan on this day in 1984.

...

Phillies great, Steve Carlton, was born on this day in 1944. Miraculously, in 1972 he went 27-10 on a team that only won 59 games. 

An interviewer once asked him why he was put on this earth. Carlton said, "To teach people how to throw a slider."

One time Dick Ruthven asked him how he threw his slider and he said, "I hold it like this and I throw the shit out of it."

Steve Carlton, one of the best pictures in history of baseball, but not so great a teacher.

...

Anthony Jeselnik joined us on this day in 1978. I bet he's in my top 10.

“When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard. Ten thousand dollars in damages. But we had a great lawyer, who knocked it down to criminal trespassing, and necrophilia.”

...

Ted Cruz joined us on this day in 1970.

His college roommate, Craig Mazin, had this to say about him: "[He] is a nightmare of a human being. I have plenty of problems with his politics, but truthfully his personality is so awful that 99% of why I hate him is just his personality. If he agreed with me on every issue, I would only hate him 1% less.” 

...

Ma Rainey left us one this day in 1939. 

"All you keg women, you better put on the wall,

'Cause I'm gonna get drunk and do my dirty talk,

The monkey and the baboon playin' in the grass,

Well the monkey got mad and whipped his yas, yas, yas,

Talkin' 'bout shave 'em, mama's gonna shave 'em dry."

I think I somehow know what she's saying.

...

The great Joe Strummer of The Clash left us on this day in 2002, with Eminem's Lose Yourself at the top of the charts.

"If you ain't thinkin' about man and God and law, then you ain't thinkin' about nothin'."

...

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics- Dead, Dead, Dead. Seriously uplifting to me.

https://youtu.be/XUFfeTjuPeg

December 22, 2013

...

Apollo 8 launched on this date in 1968.

NPR- When Apollo 8 First Orbited The Moon And Saw The Earth Rise In Space

From the article:

"Oh my God, look at that picture over there! It's the Earth coming up. Wow, is that pretty!" exclaimed Anders.

Anders rushed to snap a picture of the Earth, rising above the barren lunar landscape. The "Earthrise" image remains one of the most famous ever taken in space, and Anders says it forever changed the way people think about where we live.

https://www.npr.org/2018/12/21/679282476/1968-when-apollo-8-first-orbited-the-moon-and-saw-the-earth-rise-in-space

December 22, 2018

...

Twenty years of friendship

...

Weird Al's story of a classmate keeping a picture he drew of her in high school. 

https://www.facebook.com/70358446004/posts/pfbid02cJsJyXR2HNYDdpVhj2o8ewLiFdRRbTJxVep4chHzuWY827WnhJPFmHYKzAgybynvl

...

Twain- “I believe that in India, ‘cold weather’ is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass doorknob, and weather which will only make it mushy.”

...

Chuang Tzu (Zhuangzi)- "Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free: Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate."

...

Victor Hugo- "He who is not master of his own thoughts is not accountable for his own deeds." 

...

Buddhist Edgar Allan Poe- "All suffering originates from craving, from attachment, from desire."

...

Democritus- “By desiring little, a poor man makes himself rich.”

...

Hitchens- "Many religions now come before us with ingratiating smirks and outspread hands, like an unctuous merchant in a bazaar. They offer consolation and solidarity and uplift, competing as they do in a marketplace. But we have a right to remember how barbarically they behaved when they were strong and were making an offer that people could not refuse.” 

...

Hicks- "The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options."

...

Arthur C. Clarke- "I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical."

...

Steven Wright:

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

...

Steinbeck, East of Eden- "And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about."

...

Vonnegut- "When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth."