Kind Children Beware As You Pass By

Did I really witness what I think I witnessed yesterday at the beach? Gretel and I were jumping waves together at Fenwick Island. We had never seen the water so clear. Maybe you see where this is going, but somehow I didn't.

The day prior we saw a couple horseshoe crabs scurrying around together on the bottom. I disrupted the day of one of them, picking it up to show Gretel. I didn't realize it before, but their shells are shaped in a way that makes him stick to the bottom like a suction cup. Unchanged through 500 million years of evolution, I guess you can't improve upon the suction cup.

So the rest of our time in the ocean, we were looking for more. We saw a few of their discarded shells, and sometimes when the waves washed out there was swirling sand that appeared like horseshoe crabs, startling us a bit.

Gretel said she was trying not to think about squids. I looked to her left and behind her a little bit, pointed, and asked matter-of-factly, "Is that a squid?" She absolutely shrieked and jumped into my arms. She was mad. Then she said she had also been thinking about crabs. I told her I thought I saw one on her butt earlier, and pinched I her. She shrieked again, but laughed this time.

Gretel was hit by a few waves and was up on the beach when I saw something kind of weird. It seemed like some kind of fish but I couldn't place it. Was it a flounder, or maybe a sea turtle? The water was just a little bit too clouded for me to make it out. I told Gretel to come out and we each crept as close as we could. I still couldn't quite make it out when she yelled, "HAMMERHEAD!"

Oh wow, yes, it made sense. She had crept a little closer and had a clear view for a split second.

She jumped in my arms, screaming, "Daddy!"

If you know anything about me, you probably know that I'm terrified of sharks. I've spent way too much of my life thinking about sharks, certainly more time than I've ever spend at the beach. I flew over the ocean several times, wondering the whole time what sharks we were directly below me at any given moment, thankful for the fact that if the plane crashed, I would die on impact. I have a hard time getting in a swimming pool at night, because can I REALLY be sure there are no sharks at the bottom. I've spent hours on the beach, just scanning the ocean back and forth, back and forth, looking for fins.

Once I heard a horrendous factoid- everybody who's been in the ocean has likely been within several feet of a shark. For years I thought, well that can't possibly be true! Of course I knew it could be true, and probably was true, but in order to not go mad, I had to live my life as if it were a lie.

Once research organizations started tagging the dorsal fins of great whites, tiger sharks, and bull sharks (the unholy trinity of sharks that will chomp you), and there was finally definitive proof of how close they got to the Delaware and Maryland beaches, I figured I was done with the ocean forever.

The only thing that got me back in was my kids. I know there's no way I'll ever ACTUALLY get attacked by a shark, and I can't set an example of fear for my kids, so when we go to the beach, I get in. But if I knew I was going to be that close to a hammerhead this vacation, I would have canceled it!

So Gretel yelled hammerhead, and you can imagine what happened next. Yep, she once again jumped into my arms. There I was, at the absolute most vulnerable moment of my life, needing to move faster than I've ever moved in my life, waist deep in water with a wriggling 85-pound, 10-tear-old girl latched on to me. I trudged as best I could, but got hit by a small wave, stepped into a sand ditch, and collapsed.

Somehow this moment of complete and total weakness knocked my reasoning capacity back online. Only several seconds had passed, but suddenly the whole situation became both absurd and hilarious, and I knew I was in no danger from a several-foot-long hammerhead.

I told Gretel I was going back in to try to find it. At first she begged me not to, but the exhilaration of the moment took over and she said, "If you find it, try to catch it!"

I am terrified of sharks, but I also love sharks, and above all, I respect sharks! I reminded her that people do get bit by doing stupid stuff like that. "Oh yeah," she said.

She came in and we looked together, to no avail, and it was time to head to the boardwalk anyway, so we left the ocean on a high point, on a note of courage and respect over fear.

Other beach notes:

-Perhaps riding on her hammerhead exhilaration, Gretel destroyed Zuzu and I with a career high 330 points at Skee-Ball.

-I had never taken the two of them to the beach for just one night, it always seemed like too much driving. Nonsense, it was well worth it. We normally go in the spring or fall when the weather is hit or miss. I forgot how nice it is to just hang out at the beach when it's warm but not too hot.

-Gretel was laughing chaotically in her sleep. Then after a pause she said, "Now it's in your limeade!" When I told Zuzu in the morning, we each had to fight back our laughter so that we wouldn't wake her up. Gretel has no memory of her dream.

-Gretel and Zuzu each found it pretty amusing that people's butts are hanging right out of their bathing suits.

-The beach always makes me nostalgic, I was telling them about some of the crazy times from when I was there with friends.

Once 6 or 7 of us slept in a Suburban. A cop saw us in the morning and asked if we were staying in our vehicle. We played stupid, but obviously we were. He said we better go somewhere else, we were sleeping right in front of the mayor's house.

We could have lived indefinitely on the food that other people left behind. If you saw an unattended pizza box, it was guaranteed that there would be a few pieces in it left uneaten.

I've eaten a ton of Thresher's french fries, but have never bought them. People would leave full buckets behind.

We used to know people who worked at Candy Kitchens and they'd give us whatever.

How could it be that living in abject poverty was indistinguishable from living the high life? It certainly had something to do with the temporariness of it, but I believe it also had something to do with... and this is going to sound ridiculous... it also had something to do with living off the land in a sense, albeit in a bizarre way, not completely unlike the way the Native Americans did. They had no money, but their basic needs of food, water, and shelter were covered. You can't say that they were living in poverty, and it didn't feel like we were either.

-Gretel walked across an Ocean City storm drain and the shape of it reminded me of something I hadn't thought about for ages. I once threw the car keys to my friend in a big arc like 10 or 15 feet up in the air. I thought he was looking but he wasn't. He was just standing there sort of waving his arms a bit- apart, together, apart, together. Somehow when his hands came together the keys landed right in them, surprising him. It was one of the strangest coincidences I ever witnessed. On top of that, he was standing right on a storm drain. If he hadn't caught them, they would have been history. 

-On the drive down, we had a discussion about whether they should let the kids talk about the Nazis in elementary school. One of us said something about World War II, and my kids brought it up. I swear, it wasn't me! The teachers tell them they can't discuss the Nazis. But discussing them is the only way to acknowledge that they were bad! It honors the dead to talk about how awful they were. But, third and fourth grade, maybe there's a limit, I don't know. Nah, if I learned anything from Elie Weisel, it's that you have to discuss the Nazis.

-This was the first time that I could actually relax a little with Gretel in the ocean by herself without hawkeying her obsessively. What a relief that she can finally hold her own against the waves.

-It might have been fueled by my feelings of nostalgia, but a disorienting feeling came over me when I realized that most of the people on the boardwalk were not alive back when I used to go to the boardwalk in my early twenties. I can't explain it. It was like I was in my early twenties, but somehow with my kids, looking at ghosts from the future.

-I had a great Free Little Library find- John Fante's The Big Hunger, Stories from 1932 to 1959. He was Bukowski's literary idol, and he's like Bukowski, but without the overt misanthropy. I also saw the great bumper sticker- I Brake For Free Little Libraries.

-Gretel said that she hates when we cross the Indian River Inlet Bridge when we leave the beach, and I do too. She took it a step further, saying she hates the actual bridge, because it's the bridge where we say goodbye to the ocean. Zuzu said what I was thinking- it is, but it's also the bridge where we say hello to the ocean. I said, "Anytime there's a hello, there has to be a goodbye." I was trying to teach her a lesson about life itself using the bridge as a metaphor, haha, and to my surprise do you know what she said?

She said, "Life." Then she added, "I don't know why I just said that. What you said just made think of the word Life."

Good times at the beach!

June 9, 2024

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I just ran 4 miles and wanted to sit on my porch to cool down when I got home, but my neighbor was on his porch smoking a cigar! 

Do you know what Freud said about cigars? He said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. You know the implication though? Sometimes it represents a penis. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, Happy Pride Month!

June 9, 2022

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Great time with Emma's mom tonight! Reminded me of something Rabelais wrote:

"A mother-in-law dies only when another devil is needed in hell."

I guess mother-in-laws weren't so different in the 1500's.

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Bertrand Russell, from Education and the Social Order:

"Islam was from its very beginning a political religion. Mahomet made himself a ruler of men, and the caliphs who succeeded him remained so until the conclusion of the Great War. It is typical of the difference between Islam and Christianity that the caliph combined within himself both temporal and spiritual authority, which to a Mahometan are not distinct, whereas Christianity, by its non-political character, was led to create two rival politicians, namely, the Pope and the Emperor, of whom the former based his claims to temporal power upon the unimportance of secular rule."

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That Biden sure makes a lot of gaffes, huh? But pick any of them (or any presidential gaffe in history) and compare them to Trump last week:

"Hopefully George is looking down right now and saying this a great thing that’s happening for our country. There’s a great day for him. It’s a great day for everybody. It’s a great day for everybody. There’s a great, great day in terms of equality.”

That was the 10th consecutive day of anti-racism protests... that started after he was murdered by police. Maybe a little early to talk about how pleased George must be about everything. 

In the same conference, Trump outlined his plan for better race relations... "the economy." It was a day Trump was heralding the jobs numbers as the end of everything we're facing, ipso facto Trump's "economic miracle" of 10% coming off unemployment gave George Floyd reason to be so proud of everything, so proud of the guy who told a gathering of police officers to not take it easy on those they arrest.

Now today he's saying the elderly protester roughed up by the Buffalo police either deserved it or was faking it. 

I'm almost nostalgic for two weeks ago when Trump was only repeating and repeating and repeating the Joe Scarborough murder conspiracy, over the objections of the victim's husband. 

Yeah, Biden makes a lot of gaffes, but his worst gaffe is better than the Trump gaffe-of-the-day, which continually reveal Trump for the moral degenerate his is, a guy devoid of any trace of thought, feeling, decency or wisdom.

June 9, 2020

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Trump tweet:

Twitter should let banned conservative voices back on their platform, without restriction. It's called Freedom of Speech, remember. You are making a Giant Mistake!

Tony Poznanski's response:

You blocked me for saying Miracle Whip was more popular than you and I had to sue you to get unblocked...

Let's slow down on "Freedom of Speech."

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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. "Uno, dos..." POOF! He disappeared without a tres.

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Andy Borowitz:

Alan Dershowitz says Trump is innocent, something he also said about O.J. Simpson.

June 9, 2017

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

Watson says: I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.

Holmes replies: Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent.

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Dan Rather:

Hard hitting stuff, with an upbeat end that I agree with 100%.

"What gives me hope is we have had waves of abnormality in our country's history. And we've had times when what we would consider now to be not normal, like segregation, was considered normal. What has centered and saved our country time and again is civic engagement. I believe that most people in this nation don't think any of this is normal. And they could very well vote out those elected officials in both parties who are normalizing these outrages."

June 9, 2017

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Saw "Weird Al" Yankovic last night. I used to think he was nice, but he sang one song that really hurt the feelings of all the fat people in the audience!

June 9, 2015

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Good thing about the rain at the French Open- it will help put out all of the protesters' fires.

June 9, 2013

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Meadowlark Lemon made his first basketball net out of a hanger and an old onion sack. His first basketball was Carnation milk can.

June 9, 2018

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Derren Brown is the best... funny that the world's number one leading expert at manipulating people says that the only things that we are personally in control of are our thoughts and actions. Perhaps just another component of his manipulation? If you haven't seen his Netflix specials, please do!

https://www.bbc.com/reel/video/p07c6sb6/how-positive-thinking-is-harming-your-happiness

June 9, 2019

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Nero committed suicide on this day in 68AD after quoting Virgil's Aeneid. "What an artist the world loses in me."

He was among the most hated of emporers. 

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On this day in 1978, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints opened its priesthood to "all worthy men", ending their policy excluding black men. It only took them 148 years to make the change. Good move losers.

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Robert McNamara, Secretary of Defense in the early days of Vietnam, was born on this day in 1916. "In order to do good, you may have to engage in evil."

Uhhh, what?

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Michael J. Fox was born on this day in 1961. 

"One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered."

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Johnny Depp was born on this day in 1963. He spoke 185 words in Edward Scissorhands, one of the great performances in film history.

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Natalie Portman was born on this day in 1981, Johnny Depp's 18th birthday, the only year Woody Allen didn't release a film between 1977 and 2018, between Annie Hall and Wonder Wheel.

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Charles Dickens left us on this day in 1870. 

"Death is a mighty, universal truth."

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Rik Mayall somehow left us on this day in 2014. "Have you had enough Nazi, or do you want some more?"

Rik is dead. The people's poet is dead.

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One of my fourth great-grandmothers, Magdalena Oberlin (24 Dec 1836 to 24 Jul 1896.) She has a good epitaph:

"Kind children beware as

you pass by, as you are now so once was I.

As I am now so you must be. Prepare for death to follow me."

That message may or may not have been completely lost on my children.

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Other notable birthdays- Cole Porter (1891), Skip James (1902)

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Another notable deathday- Adam West (2017)

On this day in 1944, 99 civilians were hung from lampposts and balconies by German troops in Tulle, France, in reprisal for maquisards attacks.

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On this day in 1954, Joseph N. Welch, special counsel for the United States Army, lashed out at Senator Joseph McCarthy during the Army–McCarthy hearings, giving McCarthy the famous rebuke, "You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"

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Jumping practice.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10153045416683512&id=741063511&mibextid=irwG9G

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Maybe just highlight what's not important.

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New York Times article from May:

‘Quantum Internet’ Inches Closer With Advance in Data Teleportation

Ummm, this world is becoming quite strange.

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Question- What is one thing that people think is in the Bible but is absolutely not in the bible?

There was an unexpected answer - "White people."

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McNamara again- "All the evidence of history suggests that man is indeed a rational animal, but with a near infinite capacity for folly. . . . He draws blueprints for Utopia, but never quite gets it built. In the end he plugs away obstinately with the only building material really ever at hand--his own part comic, part tragic, part cussed, but part glorious nature."

...

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Onion- Church Cancelled Due To Lack Of God

"Tensdale concluded by adding that the uncomfortable dress-up clothes he has always detested will be on the trash heap by sundown..."

https://www.theonion.com/church-cancelled-due-to-lack-of-god-1819563819

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Our place in the world- self, room, huse, street, town, county, state, country, continent, planet, solar system, Galaxy, local group, Virgo supercluster, observable universe, universe

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Albert Einstein- "The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it Intuition or what you will, the solution comes to you and you don't know how or why."

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When we used to play kickball, scads of people put in their bios, that they play with us but we never saw them. Or maybe they played once. We played every week, rain or shine, snow or no snow. I think about the Jung quote often, "You are what you do, not what you say you'll do."

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These Phillies are looking good. Pitchers took no hitters into the later innings the previous three games, and last night and tonight ended in walk off wins, tonight with the home run. Exciting! A big regret- I wasn't thoughtful enough to wear my Phillies hat a week ago when they were at their low point.

June 9, 2023

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Dylan:

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed

Graveyards, false gods, I scuff

At pettiness which plays so rough

Walk upside-down inside handcuffs

Kick my legs to crash it off

Say okay, I have had enough

what else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen

They’d probably put my head in a guillotine

But it’s alright, Ma, it’s life, and life only