Kickball Heaven, If Lincoln Were Alive, and a Joke for the Ages

Somewhere in all of my jottings I have a list of sports highlights from my life. Wherever that list is, there's another to add to it. They are becoming fewer and far between as I get older, so I'm savoring every last one!

Lancaster Farm Fresh had our first league kickball game last night. I didn't kick well, but I played well in left field. An opponent was running from second to third and I swear I saw the future. An infielder threw at him but missed him and I backed up the ball. I knew the guy was going to round third and head home, and I knew that he thought that I thought that he wouldn't. He started running home and to his credit he kept an eye on me, planning to dodge the throw. I ran toward him knowing he'd have to turn and look where home was. The second he did I launched the throw, perfectly in line and zeroing in. I just wasn't sure if it was going to reach him in time. Casey was the pitcher and he had swooped home to assist. He swatted the ball toward him at the last split second, giving it an extra boost. I didn't know if we got him or not until the umpire pounded his fist and shouted, "OUT!" 

Oh my, what a thrilling moment! 

Takes me back to my 11th grade gym class, the time we played dodgeball and all of my friends got out. It was just me against maybe 12 guys and there were only two or three minutes left. (Three decades later, am I somehow conflating this with High Noon?) I started playing like a maniac, blasting dudes left and right, diving and catching every ball. It was a race against the clock. You know what happens next. In the final seconds I blasted the guy who was trying to hide in the back the whole time. My teammates hoisted me up on their shoulders and paraded me around. 

I don't believe there's a heaven, but I do believe there's no possible difference between heaven and moments like those.

Sidenote, we lost the kickball game. The other team was bunting to get people on base and then trying to kick them home. Sure, that might be a good kickball strategy, but what self-respecting adult bunts in kickball? Have they no shame? Have they ever heard of the concept of honor? Sure, it helps you win, but what do you lose? Only every last ounce of your dignity! One of these people bunted foul three times and was called out, and he was a soccer player type of guy. I wouldn't be able to sleep for a week if that happened to me! The shame.

June 4, 2024

...

On this day in 1939, the MS St. Louis, a ship carrying 963 German Jewish refugees, was denied permission to land in Florida, in the United States, after already being turned away from Cuba. Forced to return to Europe, more than 200 of its passengers later died in Nazi concentration camps.

As far as I'm concerned, this example is the beginning and end of a zero-tolerance immigration debate. If someone is likely to be unjustly detained, harmed, or killed in their home country, welcome to ours!

...

Holocaust survivor and sex therapist, Ruth Westheimer, was born on this day in 1928. I know almost nothing else about her, but I'm sure her autobiography would be very worth reading. She could still be writing it, at 94 years old.

...

Onion headline, June 4, 2014:

God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die

...

McSweeney's- I’M ABOUT TO RELATE TO YOUR STORY BY TELLING MY OWN SEMI-RELATED STORY

"Despite these efforts, closer scrutiny of my face would reveal that my smile is all mouth, and my eyes betray a desire to fast-forward you."

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-about-to-relate-to-your-story-by-telling-my-own-semi-related-story

...

Someone said, "Jesus Trucking Christ!"

...

These drivers keep getting better and better.

...

Don Zimmer left us on this day in 2014. Pete Rose talks about him a lot and his autobiography, and the two of them shared the same philosophy, applicable not just to sports, but to all of life.

"What you lack in talent can be made up with desire, hustle and giving 110 percent all the time."

...

Buddha- "Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it, there is no way of life."

...

Just kidding, that was Angelina Jolie, born on this day in 1975, the same exact day as Russell Brand.

...

Buddha- "Imagine the wisdom to be passed down from the classical Buddhist texts."

...

Just kidding, that was Russell Brand. There's actually a Buddhist legend of some well-known monk throwing a bunch of ancient texts into a fire. (It must have been the inspiration of Yoda burning up the ancient Jedi texts.) The students freaked out and tried to rescue them but he told them that everything they need to know is within. They later found enlightenment.

...

Who do I believe, Mattis or Trump? On the one hand, Mattis supposedly has a personal library of 10,000 books. On the other hand, Trump once held up a book.

June 4, 2020

...

...

Gretel and Zuzu made some "yarn guys" today. They're just pieces of fabric with faces cut into him. Gretel sat two on the sofa and said that they can make babies because one is a boy and one of the girl. I asked her a question that no parent ever asked their kid before... "Oh yeah? How are they going to do that?"

You know what she said? Let me tell you.

"They just stare at each other for 10 hours and then there's a baby. They are a different kind of thing, so that's how it works." 

That got me thinking... that would indeed be a better way for it to work! You would have to reeeeally want a kid, and people would only ever have kids with people they want. It would have to be premeditated, well thought out.

Do you agree? Really think about it. Do you agree that would be a better way for it to work? If so, congratulations. The two of us think Gretel is smarter than God.

June 4, 2020

...

So much recent high profile criticism of Don Trump... George W. Bush, James Mattis, Colin Powell, Pat Robertson, a slew of senators, the normal thoughtful conservative pundits. And not normal criticism... criticism of the this-guy-is-antithetical-to-the-American-spirit variety. 

Imagine that the situation was reversed. That Hillary Clinton was president, that there's widespread unrest, and that her strategy was to escalate the violence. And imagine that she was so obviously horrible in so many ways that all the people most respected in Democratic circles came out to denounce her- both Obamas, Al Gore, Jimmy Carter... I don't know, Beyonce? (Would Beyonce be the Democratic equivalent of Pat Robertson???) Imagine Bill Gates calling her a menace to society, haha.

Everything else aside, wouldn't you wonder what the heck was going on that you were missing that everybody else saw? My cognitive dissonance would be off the charts.

June 4, 2020

...

Michael Pollan's new book is on psychedelics, and he talked about it on Sam Harris's podcast. He said that he smoked the venom of a desert toad and immediately lost all sense of time, space and ego... the three things you need in order to make any sense out of the world. He said the only thing he might be able to compare it to was what things were like before the Big Bang. He said he's not going to do it again. I think his experience is enough for both of us.

June 4, 2018

...

Norm MacDonald- "I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today he would look around, scream, and desperately claw at the inside of his coffin."

...

Walking around PetSmart today with a tiny, tiny kitten in the palm of my hand... and a lady offered to take care of it for me. I pressed her and she indeed knew what she was getting into- feeding it every two hours for who-knows-how-long. Modern world- you'll never cease to amaze me.

June 4, 2011

...

On this day in 1876, the Transcontinental Express arrived in San Francisco, via the Transcontinental Railroad, 83 hours and 39 minutes after leaving New York City.

...

On this day in 1896, Henry Ford completed the Ford Quadricycle, his first gasoline-powered automobile, and gave it a successful test run.

...

Warner Brothers exec on Badlands- "I don't think we would have dared ask for changes. It would be like calling Fellini and saying, 'Hey, Fred, I think she should have...' "

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/movies-and-tv/201105/badlands-oral-history?printable=true

...

16 Cognitive Distortions, Positive Psychology, by Courtney Ackerman

13. Fallacy of Fairness

While we would all probably prefer to operate in a world that is fair, the assumption of an inherently fair world is not based in reality and can foster negative feelings when we are faced with proof of life’s unfairness.

A person who judges every experience by its perceived fairness has fallen for this fallacy, and will likely feel anger, resentment, and hopelessness when they inevitably encounter a situation that is not fair.

...

Jeff Ross told the funniest joke I think I've heard in years on the Netflix comedy show, The Hall. In the show different comedians are getting inducting into a quasi stand-up comedy Hall of Fame- George Carlin, Richard pryor, Joan Rivers, and Robin Williams. 

They brought out Jeff Ross to do the In Memoriam segment to pay respects to Gilbert Gottfried, Louie Anderson, Norm Macdonald, and Bob Saget, all of whom he was great friends with and idolized. 

He got quiet for a moment talking about Bob Saget, saying that he died after falling down and hitting his head, adding that it was a poetic way to go for the guy who hosted America's Funniest Home Videos. 

Oh my god, I don't know much for certain, but I know that the four people that he was memorializing would have found that joke absolutely drop dead hilarious. I laughed until I cried. That's the way to memorialize a comedian!

...

Smart Ass Cripple Blog- Sinful Bedroom Confessions

My kind of blog! You might want to read this.

http://smartasscripple.blogspot.com/2011/06/sinful-bedroom-confessions.html

June 4, 2011

...

This is a pretty simple hypothetical scenario that would explain a lot. Russia got Podesta's emails, offered to release them at key times in exchange for Trump being friendly toward Russia, seemed like a no-brainer since it looked unlikely he'd win anyway, now Russia could release proof of collusion any time they wish, which makes him even more beholden to Russia. Again, hypothetical! (Hypothetical but possible.)

http://www.alternet.org/right-wing/does-vladimir-putin-really-own-donald-trump-its-more-likely-you-think

Jun 4, 2017

...

Washington Post- Trump says he has ‘absolute right’ to pardon himself of federal crimes but denies any wrongdoing

Reich: "On Monday, Trump asserted an “absolute right” to pardon himself of any federal crimes.

Wrong. If a president could pardon himself for violating the Constitution, the Constitution would have no meaning.

The Constitution requires that a president “faithfully execute the law,” which means a president cannot fail to execute the law and then pardon himself.

The Constitution prohibits treason, which means that a president cannot commit treason and then pardon himself.

Over the weekend, Trump advisor Rudy Guiliani claimed that Trump didn’t merely have a right to fire FBI director James Comey but could even murder him, and still not be legally called to account because he is president.

Wrong again. No president is above the law. The argument that the law does not apply to a president is the essence of dictatorship."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-says-he-has-absolute-right-to-pardon-himself-of-federal-crimes-but-denies-any-wrongdoing/2018/06/04/3d78348c-67dd-11e8-bea7-c8eb28bc52b1_story.html

June 4, 2018

...

McSweeney's- WHAT SOME POETS WOULD SAY IF THEY WERE AROUND FOR NATIONAL DONUT DAY

"I saw the best behinds of my generation destroyed by trans fats..."

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/what-some-poets-would-say-if-they-were-around-for-national-donut-day

June 4, 2021

...

...

Dylan:

For them that must obey authority

That they do not respect in any degree

Who despise their jobs, their destinies

Speak jealously of them that are free

Cultivate their flowers to be

Nothing more than something they invest in

...

Larry McMurtry, Roads : Driving America's Great Highways- "Part of the trick of being happy is a refusal to allow oneself to become too nostalgic for the heady triumphs of one's youth."

...

Bertolt Brecht- "He who fights, can lose. He who doesn't fight, has already lost."

...

Heinrich Böll- "One ought to go too far, in order to know how far one can go."

...

Albert Einstein- "A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."

Addendum

Myspace Blog

June 4, 2007

Ma’am, Yes Ma’am!

At the Lackawanna County rest area, a lady walked out of the bathroom wearing a t-shirt of a great obscure movie- Sir, No Sir. It's about soldiers in Vietnam refusing orders more and more often as the war went on. The point was that Nixon had to switch to an air war at the end because troops wouldn't fight. That's right troops- support yourselves.

I talked to her and her husband for awhile. Her husband told me the movie had it right. When the troops came home there was no documented case of someone spitting on them. He said the only negativity he received was from the American Legion (VFW). They would call them losers… the only generation to lose a war. Her husband knew a bunch of people in the movie and they were on there way home from promoting it somewhere.

There's a knuckleheaded janitor who works at this place. His mantra is "the ignorance of the educated animal" and he uses it at every chance he gets, whenever someone does something he doesn't consider intelligent. As he stood off to the side patiently listening to the conversation, the veteran told me that the Iraq war is no different than Vietnam.

The janitor chimed in saying that he knows someone who has a niece in the war and she says that the media doesn't report the good stuff. Hmmm, doesn't it seem like a complete lack of security is the war's number 1 quality? Perhaps I think that because that's all the liberal media reports. Perhaps if all of those other journalists didn't die reporting their "good news" stories, we'd get to the truth. Fox News reporters should feel free to report their good news stories from central Baghdad, if they want. I might learn something.

The veteran asked the janitor- "Well what do you think we should do?"

The janitor saw his "Veterans For Peace" shirt and said- "You're a veteran right? They should finish the job."

Oh, my, God. Uh, maybe I should be getting back to these brochures now. I didn't know what the hell was going to happen.

Yep, we should have finished the job, just like Vietnam- free-fire zones where anything that moved was shot, burning down villages, bombing dams to flood their crops, the napalmed south Vietnamese girl running down the road (uh, we're there to protect her?), installing leaders that we wanted, the domino theory was unproven, they were fighting us as an invading colonial power, just the premise that we have the right to decide the economic system of a country halfway around the world, etc. Yep, just finish the job.

They started going at it, but soon found some points to agree on and it petered out, each realizing it was in their best interest. Whew.

I ran into the couple again out in the parking lot. We talked a bit about the ignorance of the educated animal, but not in those terms.

Happy ending- they gave me two posters of the movie. Want one? See the film and it's yours.