Happy Middles

Poet, author, and illustrator, Shel Silverstein, left us on this day in 1999.

"There are no happy endings.

Endings are the saddest part,

So just give me a happy middle

And a very happy start."

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In that spirit, let's start things off with a limerick:

I sat by the Duchess at tea,

And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"

I said with some wit, 

"Do you belch when you shit?"

And felt it was one up for me.

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I bought a great little book at the library the other day, Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes, by Thomas Cathcart. This one's a gem:

Alvin is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above that says, “Alvin, sell your business!” He ignores it. The voice goes on for days saying, “Alvin, sell your business for three million dollars!” After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. 

The voice says, “Alvin, go to Las Vegas!” 

Alvin asks why. 

“Alvin, just take the three million dollars and go to Las Vegas.”

Alvin obeys, goes to Las Vegas, and visits a casino. 

The voice says, “Alvin, go to the blackjack table and put it all down on one hand!” 

Alvin hesitates but gives in. He’s dealt an eighteen. The dealer has a six showing. 

“Alvin, take a card!” 

“What? The dealer has …” 

“Take a card!” 

Alvin tells the dealer to hit him, and gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. 

“Alvin, take another card.” 

“What?!” 

“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” 

Alvin asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. 

“Alvin, take another card!” the voice commands. 

“I have twenty!” Alvin shouts. 

“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” booms the voice. 

“Hit me!” Alvin says. He gets another ace. Twenty-one! 

And the booming voice says, “Un-fucking-believable!”

May 10, 2025

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You can see why the president is uncomfortable with experts. Here's a quote from March 2016:

"You’ll find, when you become very successful, the people that you will like best will be the people that are less successful than you, because when you go to a table, you can tell them all these wonderful stories and they’ll sit back and listen. Does that make sense to you? Okay? Always be around unsuccessful people, because everybody will respect you.”

I don't know... I can think of several jobs where it's a benefit to have some experience surrounding yourself with successful people. When you don't have that experience, you make Dr. Brix grimace, you force Dr. Fauci to contradict you to your face on national TV.

Why does everything make Trump look bad? I mean it's successful people, experts, Coronavirus testing, Big Macs, former chiefs of staff, the new light bulbs, the justice system, charities he's run, Congress, porn stars, intelligence agencies, mirrors, psychology textbooks, people who report on this stuff... how much time do you have? 

This guy's stated life strategy was to surround himself with unsuccessful people. So when he goes with his uninformed gut and bullies himself into more and more power, just perhaps we're looking at the logical conclusion of his ridiculous plan.

(Postscript, 2022: it turns out the logical conclusion of ridiculous plan was even more ridiculous than I thought, and it's not even over.)

May 10, 2020

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Mother Maybelle Carter was born into this world on this day in 1909. She's gone now, but her songs live outside of time. If I were forced to pick my favorite song of all-time, it might be the Carter Family's Wildwood Flower. Bob Dylan says that the lyrics are weird and hard to make sense out of, but somehow you know what they mean. That really stuck with me, somehow it's true.

Wildwood Flower

I will twine, I will mingle my raven black hair

With the roses so red and the lilies so fair

And the myrtle so bright with it's emerald hue

The pale emanita and the hyssop so blue

I will dance, I will sing and my laugh shall be gay

I will charm every heart, in his crown I will sway

I woke from my dreaming, my idol was clay

All portions of loving had all flown away

But he taught me to love him and promised to love

And to cherish me over all others above

My poor heart is wondering no misery can tell

He left with no warning, no word of farewell

Well you told me you love me and called me your flower

That was blooming to cheer you through life's dreary hour

I live to see him regret life's dark hour

He's gone and neglected this pale wildwood flower

https://fb.watch/krdRk0bQDi/?mibextid=irwG9G

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Also on this day in music history, Sid Vicious was born in 1957, while Elvis's All Shook Up was at the top of the charts. Bono was born exactly three years later, when Elvis's Stuck On You was at the top of the charts.

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Quite a day in the history of murder.

John Wayne Gacy was executed on this day in 1994. His last meal: fried shrimp, a bucket of KFC original recipe chicken, fries, and a pound of strawberries. Incidentally, Jeffrey Dahmer was baptized on the same exact day, and there was a total eclipse of the sun. People have tried to read into this has some sort of metaphysical mystery, but it "don't mean sheeit."

The assassins of Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon were born on this day too, in 1838 and 1955 respectively.

And certainly you know Vladimir Arutyunian. No, of course you don't. But you almost did. He very nearly assassinated George W. Bush on this day in 2005. He threw a hand grenade that landed 20m from him as he gave a speech in Tbilisi, Georgia. It was too far away, and a dud.

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The timing of the Comey firing is a big problem... certainly a piece of evidence suggesting illegal/nefarious activity. You know what might be more disturbing though... that he simply doesn't care what it looks like.

May 10, 2017

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Gretel said that she saw a ghost. I asked her if it told her anything and she said, "Cookies." I asked her what it looks like and she said, "A boogie." Those answers could have been a lot worse. 

May 10, 2016

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Despite the fact that they did successfully navigate the asteroid field, let's face the facts that it was foolish for Han Solo to ignore the odds. #C3POwasright

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Very nice Mother's Day stroll with our baby and fetus.

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Style Wars is streaming on Netflix??? People, if you watch only one documentary this weekend on the subject of graffiti in New York City in the early 80's, do yourself a favor and make it this one! The Seen scene must be seen.

May 10, 2014

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Last night my daughter handed me her remote control. I took it from her and then offered it back. She grabbed it and laughed. Sharing, ladies and gentlemen- I witnessed the birth of socialism in a human being.

May 10, 2014

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Silverstein again:

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."

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Today I explained a personal conundrum to Dan Zerbe and asked, "So what would you do if you were me?" Without missing a beat he said, "Kill myself."

May 10, 2011

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Kevin and Sloth had been planning on skinning and butchering a groundhog that Kevin's dog killed, but you don't need to know that. What you need to know is that I walked out of the office today and heard the voicemail Sloth was leaving him- "Hey dude it's sloth, let me know if you want to get together and do that groundhog." Nature lover.

May 10, 2011

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On this day in 28 BC, a sunspot was observed by Han dynasty astronomers during the reign of Emperor Cheng of Han.

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In Germany, on this day in 1933, the Nazis staged massive public book burnings. Moral of the story- if a book is banned, read it!

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Nelson Mandela was inaugurated as South Africa's first black president on this day in 1994. Or depending who you ask, he might have died in the '80s. I guess it depends which universe in the multiverse you live in. I live in the one in which had a movie called Shazaam, starring Sinbad. I mean, I would bet my life on it, and IMDb would prove me wrong. But I'm right! I remember talking about it for years, decades before I ever heard of the phenomenon known as the Mandela Effect.

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On this day in 1996, a blizzard struck Mount Everest, killing eight climbers by the next day. Reminds me of the timeless meme: "Every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person, so... maybe calm down."

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Jim Jarmusch's Dead Man was released on the same day.

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Fred Astaire was born on this day in 1899. He was well known for doing everything that Ginger Rogers did, except frontwards and in shoes.

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Rick Santorum was born on this day in 1958. If you know him as a person, good for you! Unfortunately I know him as a noun. You know what though, he sounds like a decent guy that I just disagree with, versus the authoritarians who took over the Republican party. 

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Speaking of traitors to their country, Confederate General Stonewall Jackson began a'mouldering in his grave on this day in 1863. He was a bad guy, fighting for the right of certain people to subjugate others, but I'll quote him because it's good advice, and we are all equal in death.

"God has fixed the time for my death. I do not concern myself about that, but to be always ready, no matter when it may overtake me. That is the way all men should live, and then all would be equally brave."

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Joan Crawford left us on this day in 1977.

Bette Davis- “The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?”

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On this day in 2000, the illustrator, Dick Sprang, left us at the age of 84. He redesigned the Batmobile in 1950, and was responsible for the original design of The Riddler. Too bad he's gone, but it's like they say- dick springs eternal.

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Kubrick's 1957 film, Paths of Glory, has a perfect ending complete with his trademark irony and ambiguity- animals become civilized for a moment of beauty before heading back to the front lines. The actress in it is Christiane Harlan, who would soon become Christiane Kubrick. They met on this film and remained together until his death in 1999. He used her paintings to help decorate the Harford's house in Eyes Wide Shut. Today is Christiane's birthday, born in 1932.

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Wanda Sykes, to Obama, at the 2009 White House Correspondence Dinner- "The first black president... that is, unless you screw up. Then it will be- what's up with the half-white guy? Who voted for the mulatto, what the hell?"

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On this day in 1869, the first Transcontinental Railroad, linking the eastern and western United States, was completed at Promontory Summit, Utah Territory with the golden spike.

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Another notable birthday- Donovan (1946)

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On this day in 2002, FBI agent Robert Hanssen was sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole for selling United States secrets to Russia for $1.4 million in cash and diamonds.

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Another notable deathday- Paul Revere (1818)

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Vanity Fair- Unspoken Truths by Christopher Hitchens 

http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2011/06/christopher-hitchens-unspoken-truths-201106

May 10, 2011

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The Baronton Sisters on the Ed Sullivan Show

https://youtu.be/HqhM6uCaINE

May 10, 2012

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The Guardian- Donald Trump's ignorance is becoming more evident with each passing day

"Ignorance is not bliss, but death and disaster waiting for the right mix of circumstances."

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/may/08/donald-trumps-ignorance-evident-by-the-day

May 10, 2017

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McSweeney's- THIS NEW FACE-AGING PHOTO APP IS FUN AND NOT A SOBERING REMINDER OF THE FLEETINGNESS OF TIME AND THE INEVITABILITY OF DEATH by CHRISTIAN ALSIS

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-new-face-aging-photo-app-is-fun-and-not-a-sobering-reminder-of-the-fleetingness-of-time-and-the-inevitability-of-death

May 10, 2017

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The Onion- ‘Sometimes Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,’ Says Man Who Accidentally Turned Shower Knob Wrong Way

http://local.theonion.com/sometimes-things-have-to-get-worse-before-they-get-bet-1825917073

Another gem from the Onion.

“At the end of the day, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger,” said Rowley, who overcorrected as he turned the knob to left, bringing down a scalding, painfully hot torrent that he attempted to duck beneath by lunging to the front of the shower. “Oh, how the wheels of fortune spin and spin, favoring the pauper one day and the king the next.”

May 10, 2018

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Mother Maybelle and the Carter Sisters- Keep On the Sunny Side

https://youtu.be/3qEhj-rQSAU

Mother Maybelle's birthday... would have been 110 today.

May 10, 2019

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Every once in a while we interview somebody that reminds me of this Bill Hicks bit on Reginald Denny, the truck driver that was beat up in the LA riots. "Look at this, Reginald is back again early. I don't know how he does it. It's almost like he's not stopping for anything."

https://youtu.be/08Khc2wqtCQ

May 10, 2021

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On Wednesdays we have a catered lunch at work. I told the boss that the rhubarb chum tasted like the caterer broke into the Milwaukee Police evidence warehouse and scraped out the bottom of Dahmer's acid vat.

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Nate asked today for recommendations on where to get shorts. I offered Germany, 1941.

Fun fact- Hitler knew that this picture was so unflattering, he banned it!

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Bill Burr on baths.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/9DvbYvsqKQQUvhvK/

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I ain't here to make friends.

https://youtu.be/8g2S3goIWs0

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Someone in the office is possessed by an owl.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/748127793217331

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Wow, an artist made a robotic arm whose job it is to squeegee it's leaking hydraulic fluid back into itself, in order to stay alive, in order to continue squeegeeing. It's hydraulic fluid was made to look like blood. Every once in a while it would do a little happy dance, but as years went by, more and more of its energy went toward squeegeeing, and then one day it's squeegeeing days were over.

Sun Yuan and Peng Yu- "Can't Help Myself"

https://www.guggenheim.org/artwork/34812

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Can't_Help_Myself_(Sun_Yuan_and_Peng_Yu)

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David Hume- "Epicurus's old questions are still unanswered: Is he (God) willing to prevent evil, but not able? then he is impotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? then whence evil?"

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Albert Einstein, The World As I See It- "The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science."

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Ralph Waldo Emerson- "People do not seem to realise that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character."

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Norm Macdonald, Based on a True Story: A Memoir- "I remember a psychiatrist once telling me that I gamble in order to escape the reality of life, and I told him that’s why everyone does everything."

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Sendak- “You know who my gods are, who I believe in fervently? Herman Melville, Emily Dickinson — she’s probably the top — Mozart, Shakespeare, Keats. These are wonderful gods who have gotten me through the narrow straits of life.”

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Henry David Thoreau- "Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves."

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John Steinbeck- “And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about.”

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Bob Dylan:

"Democracy don't rule the world, 

You'd better get that in your head; 

This world is ruled by violence, 

But I guess that's better left unsaid." 

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Thomas Pynchon, V.- "Life's single lesson: that there is more accident to it than a man can ever admit to in a lifetime and stay sane."

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Kurt Andersen, Fantasyland: How America Went Haywire- “In America, belief in the unreal seems to be very fungible. Individuals don’t so much abandon religious fantasy in favor of reason as find different fantasies that better suit their particular excitement and credulity quotients.”

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A lesbian lassie named Annie,

Desired to appear more manny. 

So she whittled a pud

Of mahogany wood, 

And let it protrude from her cranny.

Hey, sounds great! To each his or her own. Who can argue with that?

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David O. Selznick was born on this day in 1902, and at some point before he died in 1965, he said, "At this rate, I'll live forever."