Bub, and the Dawn of, and End of Civilization

Goodbye to Bub. Born on Halloween 2015, died on St. Patrick's Day 2023. She was a good lizard. I will not miss fixing her weekly prolapse. Crickets are rejoicing. Bub in her halcyon days:

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Dawn of Responsibility (or the Faithful and the Faithfoolish)

It happens every once in awhile- I walk into a rest area and some lady is crying. They usually try to hide it, but this one was different, she immediately started begging me for help. Tears were squirting, honestly squirting from her eyes. I've never seen anybody so helpless.

Her- You gotta help me. You just gotta help me. Please, I'm begging you! Please, please, please...

Me- What's the matter?

A mousy girl by the vending machines glanced over and beelined it to the door, evidently taking my entry into the situation as an absolution of her responsibility. Fly bee, fly.

Her- I don't know what to do! I'm... (pausing as it sank in)... stranded!

Me- Was that your van with the flat tire?

Her- (crying harder) Yeeeeesssss! Please, you gotta do something, you gotta do something. I don’t even know where I am!

I pointed to the Mercer County sign and she started moaning like it said “Abu Ghraib.”

Me- Don’t worry. It’s only a flat tire. Let’s walk down.

Her- Just let me call my family first.

I went back to my job, adding a quarter inch of brochures here, a half inch there, all the while listening to this lady on the phone. It was almost hypnotic:

Her- Please God let her pick up, please God let her pick up, please God let her pick up, please God let her pick up, please pick up the phone, pick up the fucking phone, oh God damn it!

Click.

She called someone else and went through the same routine. Click.

Her- My family isn’t answering!

Me- Don’t worry, let’s go look at your van.

Outside she asked my name and I asked for hers- “Dawn.”

I think, “At one time or another everyone in the office has woken up at the crack of dawn.” Inappropriate! Why the hell do I think this stuff? Has Ricky Gervais warped my soul?

Dawn- You’re not going to hurt me, are you Ben?

Me- Do I look like the type?

Dawn- No, I can tell that you’re good.

She’s right. And to answer the question, no, Ricky Gervais has not warped my soul.

We walked past my truck to head down the ramp to her van. She started freaking out again.

Dawn- We’re not going to drive?!

Me- Your van is a hundred yards away, and this is one-way. We can’t drive back the exit ramp.

She had no idea what I was saying.

Me- Look, there’s nothing to worry about. You’re at a rest area and you just have is a flat tire. You could be in the middle of nowhere and not know what’s wrong. You’re in the best possible bad driving circumstance. Do you have a spare?

Dawn- (crying again) I don’t knowwwwww!

Me- I’m sure you do, don’t worry.

Dawn- I’ll tell you Ben. I was out partying all night. I’m still drunk. I’ve been drinking straight since last night.

Uh, what’s that again?

Me- You really shouldn’t be driving if you’re drunk.

Her- Oh, no, I’m not drunk now. I was drinking last night.

Hmmm.

We got to her van. The tire looked like it was hit by an IED and then chewed on by wild dogs. Did she drive the whole way from Erie on that tire? I found the spare up under the back end. All I had to do was unscrew it from its mount, change it, and then she’ll be back on the road. I started unscrewing. It was really tight. I was laying in melting snow. My fingers didn’t work right. I thought- I’ll bet I could have got this off ten years ago. I kept struggling. Yep, back on the road in no time. Back on the road. Wait… I’m starting to feel a bit responsible here. If she wrecks and kills someone, it’s at least partially my fault, right? What to do? Maybe she’s right. Maybe she isn’t drunk. Maybe I misheard. Maybe, but I doubt it, and I’m helping her get back on the road. She called back from the driver’s seat:

Dawn- Hey Ben, my nerves are shattered. I wasn’t drinking but I’m going to have one now. You want a shot?

Me- No, I’m good, thanks.

Fuck! What the hell do I do? I looked up and saw her take a big swig from a whiskey-looking bottle. I got back down under the van and struggled with the screw, not sure what I’d do if I got it loose. She called back,

Dawn- Ben I’m going to give you $50 for this.

Me- You don’t have to do that.

Dawn- I want to.

Me- Keep your money.

Dawn- Ben, you are one of the good ones. I feel safe with you.

And then, and long last, a moment of clarity from the nether regions of my brain:

“Stop trying to get her back on the road you idiot!”

Me- Dawn I can’t get it off. Let’s go back to the rest area and call someone.

Dawn- OK.

Hey, look who just calmed down. Maybe Dawn’s the one person whose driving actually improves with drinking.

On the short walk back she told me about herself- studying to be a nurse, trying to make it to Pittsburgh to see her kids for Valentine’s Day, somehow she’s 39 with four teenage kids, she must have apologized ten times for the way she looked. She was wearing pajamas and a winter coat but I didn’t care. She did look kind of good- I’ll bet she could pass for mid-20’s. Each time she apologized I countered- “You look fine but look at me! I’m a mess.”

I wasn’t just saying it- unkempt beard, zip-up sweatshirt with a pocket ripped half off, old green work jacket, a wet strip up my pants and jacket from when I was lying on the ground wrestling with that tire screw, holey work boots. Finally she responded to my self-criticism “To me it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” True Dawn, but I’ve never been so offended. I found out hours later that I had a long grease stain on my cheek.

Dawn- I know Dawn looks bad but you should see her when she fixes herself up. She looks good!

Somehow this was one of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard. She’d gone from helpless to simply vulnerable and in just a few minutes I really came to like her. Still, I couldn’t help but think- it’s what’s on the inside that counts Dawn, and for you that’s the whiskey. That was one of the times that one of the smart-ass comments that run endlessly in my head contained more than an ounce of truth. At that moment the whiskey was what counted.

On the walk back to the rest area I saw a janitor shoveling the walk and I decided to ask him for help. I run into this guy periodically and I say hello, never getting more than a quarter of a grunt back from him, and he’s never even looked at me once. Whatever, these janitors didn’t become janitors because of their people skills. I always just pretend we’re friends- it keeps me from being put off by their rudeness. He looked over as we walked up.

I remember back when I started, at this same rest area, I was talking to a different janitor late at night. We were getting along pretty good until the couple at the vending machines, a white woman and a black man, left the place. He said “I hate that.” I said it didn’t bother me and that effectively ended the conversation and our newfound friendship. Now, here I am almost two years later walking up to the place with a black girl on my arm. She was using my arm for emotional support, and I suppose a little bit of balance. As soon as he looked at us Dawn said, “I don’t want to embarrass you,” and before I could tell her otherwise she walked away quickly to someone else. I asked the janitor if I could use his phone book.

Him- We don’t have a phone book.

Me- I’m the guy who fills the brochures, I think I’ve seen one back in the office.

I thought I could use my clout. Nope.

Him- (getting angry) Listen, we don’t have a phone book!

Me- I’ve been back in your office and I KNOW you have a phone book! I’m the brochure guy.

Him- The brochure guy is already here. That’s his truck!

I knew he never looked at me before!

Me- That’s my truck! I’M the guy who was inside! I walked her down to help her and I know you have a phone number of someone who can help her!

I turned away from him, secretly wondering if they did have a phone book in the back. They must have, right? Dawn had made a new friend- some dude with a cell phone. As I told the dude the problem, the janitor came walking over.

Him- Hey, I think I have a card for a wrecker in the back.

Me- Thanks.

What the fuck? I’m nice and he doesn’t help, I yell and he helps? Janitors.

Back inside I stocked brochures and eavesdropped as Dawn called the wrecker. Turns out he could be there in half an hour. Crap! She’ll still be drunk.

Then she called her daughter using the same “please God” routine as before, and guess what- this time it worked. Faith? Yeah well, if A happens and B happens it doesn’t necessarily mean that A caused B, right? Doesn’t mean that we have to shut down our rational side. It was almost as if Dawn’s judgment center was in some way… impaired.

Don’t believe reason beats faith as a better way to know the world? The next time you feel the urge to use mapquest, instead just hop in your car and make your turns based on faith. If you still make it there, next time try it blindfolded. Drive over here blindfolded and give me the good news that I now believe in the Christian God. That’s one of the few ways to convert me. I think you’ll find that with your blast-shield down you can’t even fight. And with that, you’ll meet my God. (Just some friendly advice from me, Ben, that strange old hermit... wait, did I just make an argument for or against faith?) 

After her phone calls,

Dawn- You have a girlfriend Ben?

Me- Yeah.

Dawn- Yeah, I figured.

A couple minutes later,

Dawn- (quiet) Are you faithful to your girlfriend Ben?

Me- I don’t see any other option.

Dawn- I was just wondering.

I don’t see any other option… that was a pretty good answer. She thought I’d go from understanding to underwear in under a half an hour? My work was done. It was time to leave. I said goodbye and left.

I walked to my truck, passing two black men- one was bent over with a cane and the other was younger and heavy, perhaps the most respectable-looking person I’ve ever seen in my life. They had to be father and son. I loaded my supplies into the back of my truck and then sat in the cab, waiting, thinking.

The men came back out and I approached them. The younger one helped the other into the front seat as I stood waiting.

I explained the moral dilemma I was facing (thus passing it on to him.) I explained that the young black girl inside was drunk, that we shouldn’t let her get back on the road, that for her own well-being maybe I shouldn’t have helped her at all, but the only other option was to call the cops, and she was studying to become a nurse and she’s obviously messed up, and obviously need as a kick in the pants but a DUI arrest might be too much for her, and she might not be able to get back on her feet. I had a lot on my mind.

He said- I did notice her in there praying.

Me- Praying and cursing.

Him- Praying and cursing.

He laughed.

Him- I don’t know if somehow you picked up that I’m clergy.

Me- No.

Him- …and I don’t know where she’s from…

Me- She’s in college in Erie.

Him- Well I’m a pastor in Erie and if she goes to church I probably know her pastor and I could get him to talk to her.

Me- That would be great if it’s possible.

We stood around philosophizing on the best way to handle it and he said he had to ask his wife… and that he was on his way to Pittsburgh and already in the doghouse. We had a laugh. He told me he’d talk to his wife and maybe talk to the girl, maybe call the police, and maybe do nothing, but he gave me his card and told me I could call him to find out what he decided. I really enjoyed talking to him. It’s not often I feel that I’m in need of some guidance. If you want to get crazy you might even be able to say that I was in need of some spiritual guidance. What is spiritual guidance anyway? Maybe it’s just helping somebody tell the difference between good and bad, right and wrong… and couldn’t that just be called social guidance, or just plain guidance? Why does spiritual guidance automatically conjure images blind obedience?

It’s more than simple right and wrong though- where does the responsibility lie? Sure, it fundamentally lies with Dawn but she was no longer responsible… or maybe as responsible as I was that night after I drank all that beer and projectile vomited off the balcony onto that dude’s car. Of course I was responsible for getting myself in that unholy mess, but believe me Dear Reader, in that moment I was NOT RESPONSIBLE. In that moment the projectile vomit, shall we say, just happened.

(Not that you needed an example, I just like telling that story.)

So Dawn passed her responsibility on to me. I passed it on to Marcus. We both talked about passing it on to the police, and they’d just pass it on to a judge. A judge is beholden to the laws, laws that were made by representatives chosen by the people, and hey, we’re the people, so maybe we can handle it ourselves, right? No doubt, but it was no longer my place so I passed it on. I think I could’ve done a lot worse though… and I certainly couldn’t have passed it on to a better guy. I don’t think I’ll call him though. I think I’ll just have faith that everything turned out all right.

Back to the road. It was Valentine’s Day and I still had 300 miles to go if I wanted to make it home by midnight. That's alright R2, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.

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I've been thinking about George W. Bush's old switch-a-roo... he won re-election and then afterward said he was going to mess with social security. His plan had like 3% support, obvious that he couldn't have run on it. Mess with people's money and you find out what they really think. 

On the president's page a couple days ago he said he was going to help the airline industry, and an obvious supporter asked why the government should help them when the airlines weren't even refunding airline tickets that couldn't be used. Great question! 

You see this over and over- direct help to big businesses, indirect help that may or may not materialize to individuals... Individuals whose taxes are directly helping the big businesses. People need direct help and I'm hoping there can enough pressure to get it passed.

March 17, 2020

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Always a bit unsettling when I come across one of these...

March 17, 2019

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Gretel and Zuzu at the grave of their eighth great-grandfather, George Kreider (b. 1707 d.1744.)

March 17, 2019

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I don't know if the Russians have anything on Trump, but it is so much harder to believe that they don't than they do. So many key actions support it, he doesn't even try to hide things looking suspicious. 

Think about this. IF they have something on him and IF he did even one thing for them in his official duty to help them at our expense (like the suspicious timing of all the key firings, refusal to enforce sanctions passed nearly unanimously through Congress, possible knowledge/support/benefit of Manafort money laundering with Russian oligarchs with ties to Putin, the constant Putin praise and complete lack of Putin criticism) it's the story of the century... the American president as Russian agent. 

At this point it takes more cognitive dissonance to believe he isn't than believe he is. To his credit though, first he tried every possible thing to not get elected and then he tried everything to get himself impeached. So he's at least trying to do the right thing. So selfless.

March 17, 2018

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If you are anything like me, the Criterion Collection Before Trilogy needs to be part of your life, if for nothing more than the Sight & Sound short film intercutting the three films along with other clips, all centered on the subject of time. I reserve this word for special circumstances- that film was transcendent, as if from another dimension. 

March 17, 2017

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Every once in a while you hear about some dumbass scientists trying to recreate a miniature Big Bang, and I can't help but wonder if our Big Bang didn't begin with some dumbass scientists in some other universe trying to recreate a miniature Big Bang.

March 17, 2017

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A new Constitution, for consideration:

"Me a Person of the United States, following the example of my government, believe in doing whatever I can get away with, platitudes above substance, private profit above the general welfare, hearsay above science, infringing on the rights of certain groups of people different than me, and you can believe everything I say unless I'm joking because anything critical you say about me is by definition false."

March 17, 2017

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Chris Mathews- "Tomorrow’s Friday. If the president were to rise at dawn and say, “It’s Saturday,” what would be the meaning of that statement? Would his people – those who back him no matter what – check their calendars and convince themselves the calendar they’ve been using is wrong and the leader they adore is right? … This whole thing about President Obama wiretapping Trump is nothing but trumped up nonsense … The man in the White House is demonstrably capable of making up claims that have no reality. He’s no better than the weirdo in the basement who calls in the fire alarm just to hear the sirens go past."

March 17, 2017

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That must have been a nice meeting today between Trump and Merkel, they have so much in common. One is a German leader, and the other used to keep a book of a German leader's speeches on his nightstand.

March 17, 2017

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When we were about to cross the street I told Gretel to hold my hand. She said, "No, my hand," and she put her one hand in her other and tried to walk herself across. In retrospect I should have let her.

March 17, 2016

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Happy Pseudo-Religious-Quasi-Nationalistic-Pretense-For-Drinking Day!

March 17, 2016

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On second thought maybe the macaroons that Emma's mom made weren't so bad. After all, the birds out back seem to enjoy them.

March 17, 2013

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Six in ten Americans support nuclear power. I wonder how many in ten understand the danger.

March 17, 2011

Postscript- This is something I've changed my mind about.

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Instead of spending all of that time, money and energy trying to look ten years younger, when will all of those ladies realize that right now they ARE the ideolized version of their future selves? I always feel bad for them for not realizing that.

March 17, 2010

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Funniest thing I ever said?

We had a board meeting today at the co-op. It’s usually just me, Casey, Amy, and the five board members. Today for some reason about ten other farmers came, and Andrew from the office was there too. The business at the board meetings always gets dealt with seriously, and always while making lots of jokes. You’d be surprised how a quickly a 5-6 hour meeting can go by when your laughing. At what other job do employees look forward to meetings that long? Answer, none. OK, maybe at the Onion. 

This wasn’t a usual board meeting though- a pretty serious issue was being debated. Obviously this wasn’t a time for joking. During a lull, one of the board members wanted some milk for his coffee. He leaned over to me, pointed to the quart bottle of raw milk on the table in front of Andrew and asked in a whisper just loud enough for everyone to hear, “Is that Andrew’s milk?” 

In an intentionally loud whisper I said, “No, that came from a cow.” 

I looked around and saw Casey smiling but nobody else. Then a couple farmers smiled broadly. Then a couple more. Casey started laughing. I started laughing. The farmers sitting around me started laughing. Someone repeated my joke- “David asked if that was Andrew’s milk and Ben said no, it came from a cow!” The place erupted- loud, hearty, sustained laughter. I couldn’t stop laughing, no doubt I was bright red. I pulled my hat down over my eyes. A farmer snatched it and threw it. Casey proclaimed it the funniest joke ever told at a board meeting. 

And then back to seriousness. 

.

A half hour later when talking about different businesses, someone mentioned that Amish businesses never experience 35% growth in a year. I said, “Yeah, only Amish families experience that much growth.” The place erupted again. One farmer asked what I had for breakfast. 

.

In my estimation though Casey had the gag of the day. While the farmers were talking about different dairy options for a co-op farmer, he texted me from across the table- “pastured jersey devil and frank azaria milk?” Hilarious! I kept imagining someone who wanted Jersey Devil products, but ONLY if they were pastured. Forget the quantum mechanics theory of multiple universes- that could never happen! Great day.

March 17, 2010

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Nobody could have expected that the burn barrel beard accident would lead to Leon's appearance on Regis and Kelly after having won the sideburns championship.

March 17, 2009

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On this day in 1972, Pink Flamingos was released!

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Richard Ramirez, The Night Stalker murdered his first two people on this day in 1985.

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This day in 1984, Mike Ehrmantraut takes his first bribe.

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From Wikipedia, year 2000: "Five hundred and thirty members of the Ugandan cult Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God die in a fire, considered to be a mass murder or suicide orchestrated by leaders of the cult. Elsewhere another 248 members are later found dead."

Compare that horror with the Pulitzer Prize winning Burst of Joy homecoming picture, taken on this day in 1973. Who do you think was more joyful- the family seeing him return, or the Vietnamese seeing him leave?

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John Wayne Gacy was born on this day in 1942, the serial killer who crystallized society's fear of clowns and crawlspaces.

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Dear Reader, do you know the story of Mike the Headless Chicken? He crosses my mind often.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_the_Headless_Chicken

He died on this day in 1947.

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Ferlin Husky died on this day in 2011. My favorite song of his is, There Goes My Everything.

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Vivian Maier

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Littlewood's Law

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Littlewood's_law

Every second some "event" happens to us. Most are ordinary, some are extraordinary. If we are alert 8 hours a day, then every month we witness one million events. The most extraordinary among them is that month's one-in-a-million event. I think about this all the time. Things that seem to be miracles, are just very rare events.

March 17, 2012

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The Pogues- Streams of Whiskey

Happy Alcoholics Day! I guess in Ireland, every day is Alcoholics Day. Here's documentary proof. (Bottoms up, glug-glug-glug.)

https://youtu.be/mPpGp_J3z2A

March 17, 2013

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Business Insider- There Could Be Fish Parts In Your St. Patrick's Day Guinness

Did you enjoy your fermented fish bladder juice?

http://www.businessinsider.com/guinness-fish-bladder-isinglass-2013-3

March 17, 2013

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Politico:

2016- "Trump tells it like it is."

2017- "Don't take Trump so literally."

March 17, 2017

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Daily Kos- Dear God I Hate This Stupid MFer.

This person is wound up. Some cathartic gems in here but I like to focus on the absurdity.

https://www.dailykos.com/story/2018/3/12/1748385/-Dear-God-I-Hate-This-Stupid-MFer

March 17, 2018

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Buzzfeed- 19 Moments That Prove Stephen Hawking Had Comedy Down To A Science

"That time he had a party only for time travelers and nobody showed up."

https://www.buzzfeed.com/audreyworboys/stephen-hawking-funny-moments

March 17, 2018

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This will never not be funny. Seat warmer gone awry. I don't even care if it IS fake.

https://fb.watch/jkDqBiQEmx/?mibextid=irwG9G

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Norm Macdonald Treasure Trove!

Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today

https://youtu.be/Lb80dFQSumM

Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today, Part 2

https://youtu.be/LmVGX59ZGKQ

Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today, Part 3

https://youtu.be/LRrxy1qIg_8

Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today, Part 4

https://youtu.be/7D7F_Jpsnrk

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Werner Herzog- "Civilization is like a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness."

As the saying goes, at any given point, we're 4 meals away from mayhem.

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Powerhouse quote from David Foster Wallace- "But the truth is it’s hard for me to know what I really think about any of the stuff I’ve written. It’s always tempting to sit back and make finger-steeples and invent impressive sounding theoretical justifications for what one does, but in my case most of it’d be horseshit. As time passes I get less and less nuts about anything I’ve published, and it gets harder to know for sure when its antagonistic elements are in there because they serve a useful purpose and when their just covert manifestations of this "look-at-me-please-love-me-I-hate you" syndrome I still sometimes catch myself falling into. Anyway, but what I think I meant by "antagonize" or "aggravate" has to do with the stuff in the TV essay about the younger writer trying to struggle against the cultural hegemony of TV. One thing TV does is help us deny that we’re lonely. With televised images, we can have the facsimile of a relationship without the work of a real relationship. It’s an anesthesia of "form." The interesting thing is why we’re so desperate for this anesthetic against loneliness. You don’t have to think very hard to realize that our dread of both relationships and loneliness, both of which are like sub-dreads of our dread of being trapped inside a self (a psychic self, not just a physical self), has to do with angst about death, the recognition that I’m going to die, and die very much alone, and the rest of the world is going to go merrily on without me. I’m not sure I could give you a steeple-fingered theoretical justification, but I strongly suspect a big part of real art fiction’s job is to aggravate this sense of entrapment and loneliness and death in people, to move people to countenance it, since any possible human redemption requires us first to face what’s dreadful, what we want to deny."

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Stephen King- "Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work."

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Aesop- "We hang the petty thieves, and appoint the great ones to office."

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Nikita Khrushev was once asked how the world would be different if he was assassinated instead of John F. Kennedy. He said, "For one thing, Aristotle Onassis would probably not have married my widow."

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Albert Camus- "In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion."

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Nick Cave, The Red Hand Files Issue 261- “The dead are always with us, holding us in their sway. We, the living, are the exuberant and temporary anima of their departure.”

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Douglas Adams- "I don't accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says to me 'Well, you haven't been there, have you? You haven't seen it for yourself, so my view that it is made of Norwegian Beaver Cheese is equally valid' - then I can't even be bothered to argue. There is such a thing as the burden of proof, and in the case of god, as in the case of the composition of the moon, this has shifted radically. God used to be the best explanation we'd got, and we've now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining. So I don't think that being convinced that there is no god is as irrational or arrogant a point of view as belief that there is. I don't think the matter calls for even-handedness at all."

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Penn Jillette, Every Day is an Atheist Holiday- "For atheists, everything in the world is enough and every day is holy. Every day is an atheist holiday. It’s a day that we’re alive."

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Mitch Hedberg- "Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr Pepper. But it's the bullshit replica because dude didn't even get his degree!"

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